How I Met Your Mother

Jeremy and his parents are sitting at the kitchen table over dinner during winter break.

Mom: It’s so good to have you home Jeremy.

Jeremy: Yeah, OK.

Dad: You’re making a lot of friends at school son?

Jeremy: Yeah, actually…there’s something I want to tell you.

Mom: What is it?

Jeremy: I met someone.

Dad: That’s great son. Is she a real firecracker? I’ll be she’s a real firecracker.

Jeremy: Yeah, she’s pretty hot dad.

Mom: Did you meet her in one of your classes honey?

Jeremy: No, actually…we uh…we met online.

Dad: What?!

Mom: Honey, you know that internet is dangerous.

Dad: What did you meet on? That E-harmony?

Jeremy: No, no. We met on Facebook. I saw her picture and we started poking and messaging. One thing led to another and…

Dad: Yeah…that’s pretty gay.

Mom: Frank that’s not very nice!

Dad: Im sorry, just…honestly, is it really so hard to meet a girl when your plastered out of your mind in a bar somewhere? Jeez.

Jeremy: God, dad. I knew you wouldn’t understand.

Dad: What are you gonna tell your grandkids? I met your grandma on a website because I’m a huge pussy?

Jeremy: By then it won’t be so stigmatized dad! Why don’t you get with the times.

Mom: Leave him alone Frank!

Jeremy: You met mom in college! That’s so exciting?

Dad: Let me tell you about how I met your mother Jeremy.

Mom: Oh, gosh. I love this story.

Jeremy rolls his eyes.

Dad: Your mother was quite the hot property back in the day.

Mom: Oh Frank.

Dad: I saw her on the quad with her friend Suzie-Ann. I approached them on the grass. My knees were shaking, my voice cracked. And I asked your mother out on a date.

Jeremy: And what did she say?

Dad: She said she had a date with Troy Johnson that night. So I looked her square in the eyes and I just said “Break it.” And just like that, she did. Stood him up. We stayed out all night, dancing and laughing. I took her to a Dairy Queen and we shared a Banana Nut Blizzard. Nine months later, we were married.

Jeremy: Whatever happened to Troy Johnson.

Dad: Oh, he was pretty broken up about the whole thing. Killed himself a week later.

Jeremy: Jeez that’s awful.

Mom: You forgot what happened next, Frank!

Dad: Oh right. So after we went over to Troy’s apartment to dispose of the body…

Jeremy: Wait, what? Why would you do that?

Dad: Well, because of the way things went down people might have started to think we were responsible. We couldn’t let that happen so…

Jeremy: Didn’t anyone wonder what happened to him?

Dad: Sure, we led the search party for the first few weeks. Y’know so no one would get suspicious.

Mom: We led them into the lagoon!

Dad: Those dopes!

Jeremy: But how would you even know about it if it was a suicide? Someone must have discovered the body.

Dad: Sure. We had to get rid of all the eyewitnesses too.

Mom: Naturally.

Jeremy: Jesus Christ!

Mom: Jeremy watch your language! We have to go to church tomorrow.

Jeremy: I can’t believe this. My parents are serial killers.

Dad: Son, one day when you’re older you’ll understand that there comes a time in every man’s life when…

One Hour Later

Jeremy’s dad is still rambling on.

Dad: Anyway, after we were sure the family of endangered Orca had been slain and all of the oil was up for grabs your mother and I looked into each other’s eyes and knew everything would be OK. After all we were young and in love. So Jeremy, what do you think about your folks now? Pretty romantic huh?

Jeremy: There’s still a possibility I might be adopted right?

Mom: Not a chance.

Jeremy leaves the room. His parents hear a gunshot.

Dad: I guess we better get rid of the body huh?

They laugh.

Dad: How bout some Dairy Queen after we clean up?

Mom: Some things never change.