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105%-O-Matic

105% issue #41

by 105%-O-Matic on

105%

Scream, “105% is the greatest thing ever!” at everyone you see. If they’re on the 105% prize patrol, you’ll win $105! Stay tuned for another uninterrupted joke block.

Jedi Shorthand
- Death *
- @@ Walker
- R2D2
– Jeff Rubin
Not-So-Dirty Harry
“In this city I am judge, jury, and parole officer.”
– Patrick Cassels
Q: What’s long, hard and filled with semen?
A: A submarine filled with cum.
– Streeter Seidell
Meanwhile at Microwave College…
Microwave 1: Cool, so you bring the fridge and I’ll bring the human. Microwave 2: Tight.
– Amir Blumenfeld
Bear Grylls in: “Man vs. Himself”
“If you watch closely, that snake appears to be saying ‘You’re a worthless, despicable jerk.’ And maybe he’s right. I’ve never been good at anything. Maybe I’ll just end it all. I’m not even worth the scorpion’s anus I’m currently eating.”
-Dan Gurewitch
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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.