Festivus: Filling My Holiday Void

This holiday season I am feeling a little empty. I mean, I’m celebrating Christmas with my family and I am also celebrating Hanukkah by making fun of it but I feel like I have too much spirit for those somber, commercial holidays. Festivus seemed like the perfect holiday to add onto my holiday season checklist. Festivus for the rest of us!

Festivus involves the possibility to freely insult family and friends and it was started by Reader’s Digest, so it must be an excellent celebration. With further research, by watching the Seinfield episode “The Strike” where Festivus is being celebrated by Frank Castanza and company, I realized the splendor. The Festivus “Pole” is the replacement for the X-Mas tree and it symbolizes the holiday’s attempt to de-commercialize the season. Visionaries at Reader’s Digest.

The evening of the 23rd of December the celebration would begin at a home around a feast of assorted delicacies, such as, keystone light, natty ice light, Milwaukee’s best special reserve or really whatever sort of drink and food that would satisfy the plans for the evening. Before the feast/drink off the first tradition of Festivus would take place, called the “Airing of Grievances”. This is where the group stands in a circle and one by one everybody would tell one person why they were disappointed in them in the previous year. Sounds like a jolly time, even more than Ole Saint Nick’s laugh. Approximately 8 jollies. Yeah.

After the “Airing of Grievances” the feast/drink-marathon begins. Discussing the previous year’s events, eating of various foods and hitting the beer bong is what I picture as the norm for the Festivus feast. Throughout the dinner, which should last between 2 and 4 hours, the guests of the party will start to get drunk and it will become apparent the “Airing of Grievances” never really ended. The end of the dinner marks a great tradition in the holiday. The holiday is not over until the head of household is pinned on the ground by all the guest attending the Festivus (for the rest of us) celebration. The pin would mark the end of the holiday and the beginning of the new Festivus year. I made that last part up but it just makes sense, ya heard.
In all seriousness, the way this holiday will end up is people will just start drinking, just pull out insults at random times and continually over the night the head of house would keep getting pinned.

This is also not a replacement for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza or whatever else there is but it is meant to be a mere addition. It comes before Christmas, was created by fucking Reader’s Digest and thankfully, it is just another great excuse to party. Its just one step closer to 365 different drinking holidays.