What guy doesn't want to be more like James Bond, right? Well guess what, fellas? With this handy guide, you're one step closer! Just take a look at some of these common scenarios, followed by what you should say in response. Remember, feelings are for pussies!
— You get word from mom and dad that your grandmother passed away in her sleep last night:
"Shame. She had so much left to live for."
— You witness your best friend violently choke to death on a mozzerella stick in the campus dining hall:
"Guess I'll have to inform his parents. I fear the news will be a little (raise eyebrow) hard to swallow?"
— Your girlfriend fights back tears as she informs you that her parents died instantly in a head-on collision:
"This tragedy has reduced me to a crumpled heap. Oh wait, that's them."
— Resistant to the temptations of drugs and premarital sex his entire life, your 25-year-old cousin selflessly offers up his super-healthy blood when your aunt needs an emergency transfusion. While donating, he contracts AIDS from improperly cleaned medical instruments:
"The only thing he wasn't immune to was irony."
— Your brother, an ace pilot in the U.S. Navy, returns home from overseas only to discover that his fiancee has been sleeping with you the entire time he was away. Distraught, he gets in his car and drives out to the tallest bridge in the state, where he quietly assesses his situation and jumps:
"Well I guess he's not so good at flying after all."
See?? It's THAT easy!!