How To Pass Your Final Exam

Why stress out during finals? If you just relax and take some advice from a pro, you’ll find yourself sailing through exams and right into some hot, holiday lovin’ with the chicks who will love you for acing your classes this year.
Some pointers:

1. Cheat
Cheat like you’ve never cheated before. Bring your textbooks to class and leave them blatantly open on your desk. Confidence is key, here. Remember Frank Abagnale? And how he slept with a lot of women? That was pretty cool, huh? Well, he also got his way just by pretending he knew what he was doing. If the teacher tells you you’re cheating, angrily tell them that your TA/Dean/Mother/Some other authority figure not in the room told you it was okay.

2. Forced Extra Credit
If there is no extra credit section, make one up. Offer your stunning insight into the things you actually studied, hold a stick figure hostage, tell a joke, or offer to give the teacher a blow job. This sounds risky, but remember: no one hates blow jobs.

3. Eat a Full Breakfast
When you get to that exam, you don’t want to be nagged by the constant feeling that you didn’t eat yet. Also, if the exam is much harder than you thought it would be, you have the added bonus of being able to throw up on the exam. You will almost certainly get an extension.

A few extra hints, by subject

Spanish
Why did you even bother going to class? Just put an “o” or an “a” at the end of normal, English words and you’ll have something passable.

Japanese
People will try to fool you into thinking this is a difficult language. However, they actually borrow most of their words from English, and just say them funny. I’m not kidding:

ハロウィーン	“harowiin”	Haloween
ミネラルウアータ	“mineraruwoota”	mineral water
デイスコ	“disuko”	disco
アバアシャン	“abaashan”	abortion

Really, if you need to use more words than these, you deserve to fail the course.

English
This is probably your mother language. If you can speak it, you’ll pass. If you can’t, it’s probably time to rethink your major.

Philosophy
Turn the professor’s question back on itself. If asked what Descartes thought about material substances, ask why the teacher felt compelled to ask that question. Work with this for a few pages.
Conversely, it is possible to figure out a philosopher’s argument if you just think about it hard enough, in the same way that you can assemble a VCR from spare parts if you really put your mind to it. See if the professor kicks you out after the scheduled end of the final, or if you can just keep working on it for a few days.

Math, Economics, Chemistry
I don’t care if you studied or not, you’re probablyscrewed. I feel bad for you, if that helps.