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Alexandra P.

My Hobbies

by Alexandra P. on

I’ve always wanted to have hobbies.Right now I just have interests, which makes my answers to questions about hobbies and interests disturbingly lopsided.I wish more people would let me engage in my hobbies.



In the Hospital


Bill: What are you doing?


Me: It’s just a little open-heart surgery. Open-heart surgery is a hobby of mine.


Bill: There is no way I’m going to let someone without a medical degree operate on me.


Me: Don’t worry, I know all the parts of heart surgery.The heart part, the expertise part, and also that other part.



On the Streets


Customer: Prostitute, you are terrible.


Me: I’m doing my best.


Customer: I don’t feel comfortable paying for this.


Me: That’s okay.I’m doing this for love.


Customer:…


Me: Keeps me out of trouble, you know?



On the Phone.


Caller: He’s bleeding everywhere, and I can’t tell if he’s breathing.


Me: You should move him off the carpet.It is hard to get blood out of carpet, unless the carpet has been pre-treated.


Caller: Is an ambulance on its way?


Me: …It is now.



On the Field

Me: Just try to keep the ball away from them, any way you can.


My Team: Any strategy we should follow?


Me: You know what’s at stake here, don’t you?If we win, I’m taking everyone to Dairy King.


The Coach: Who are you talking to, guys?




On the Couch


Me: It sounds like you have a lot of problems.


Patient: …Don’t you want to talk to me about them?


Me: Not really. I think a lobotomy is probably your best option here.


Patient: What?


Me: Just a little one.



In Jail


Me: I’m bored now.Can I leave?


Warden: You’re serving two life sentences.


Me: I don’t think you understand the concept of hobbies.

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Alexandra P.

Alexandra P.

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I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.