 | Kevin Corrigan “I’m gonna get a haircut in 2008. Just one. No, not one hair. All of my hairs, but only once.” |
| Sam Reich I resolve that “The Golden Compass” is a cinematic journey to be enjoyed by the whole family. I also resolve to look up the meaning of New Year’s resolutions. |  |
 | Patrick Cassels “I resolve to never f*ck with dinosaur DNA again. I also resolve to watch Jurassic Park less.” |
| Alison Becker “Last year my resolution was ‘get raped less.’ This year, it’s ‘‘stop asking for it.’” |  |
 | Dan Gurewich “I resolve that the future me will stop going back in time and screwing with one-liners that I’ve written for CollegeHumor. Goat balls goat balls midget anus pie!” |
| Tom Sunnergren “Stop using alcohol as a crutch. Use actual crutches. otherwise leg will never heal.” |  |
 | Mike Milo “I resolve to finish what I st—” |
| Jake Hurwitz “I resoulve to learn how to spell better.” |  |
 | Mindy Raf “Find God and my purpose in the universe. Be more up to date on important celebrity gossip.” |
| Mark Zito “In addition to dating a Cute College Girl of the Day, I would like to finally finish and release my masterpiece, Chinese Democracy.” |  |
 | Streeter Seidell “I resolve to convince my girlfriend to lose weight.” |
| Amir Blumenfeld “My New Year’s resolution for 2008 is to stop looking so far ahead. Start living life in the moment, you know? My resolution for 2009 is the same thing.” |  |
 | Ricky Van Veen “Nee/w keybooarddd+.” |
| Steve Hofstetter “I resolve to become an actual ninja so I can kill anyone who invites me to be a facebook ninja.” |  |
 | Paul Scheer “In 2008 I promise to stop blindly sending all friends Jetman, Werewolf, and Vampire invitations on Facebook even though that meansmy profile is going to suck because I won’t have enough points to getto the next level. I won’t do it because I care. Ah, forget it.“You’ve Just Been Bitten Chump!” Yeah I Win!” |
| Neil Janowitz “My resolution is to do whatever is necessary to bring the derby back to the forefront of men’s fashion, ideally earning the inexplicable nickname “The Punch Kit Kid” in the process.” |  |
 | Sarah Schneider “This year, I’m resolving to just survive 2008. I have a REALLY kickass resolution planned for 2009.” |
| Josh Heller “This year I plan to read the books before I see the movies, and read the novelization of the movies before I read the books.” |  |
 | Neil Padover “A) Stop crapping on my carpet and blaming my dog. B) Buy a dog.” |
| Jeff Rosenberg “To actually follow my New Years Resolution from 2007 – Stop Procrastinating.” |  |
 | Jeff Rubin In 2008 I resolve to stop eating so much McDonalds. Over time you can save a lot of money if you install a deep fryer in your kitchen, order raw french fries by the garbage bag, and hire your own teenagers to run the operation. The toys are difficult to build, though. |
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