My girlfriend called the other day and told me her toilet was broken. I said "What do I look like? Mario?" and I told her to call a plumber. About four hours later I get another call from her asking me if I knew anything about the half eaten bag of Doritos that the plumber found lodged deep in the bowels of the toilet. Not being one to hide the truth, I confessed: "Yeah, I was over there the other day pushing brown and enjoying my nacho cheese flavored goodness when I was struck by a thought. Why don't I just eliminate the middle man?"

She dumped me that day. What a bitch.