Weekends With Wally

Everyone in their extended stay at college has a friend like Wally.nWally is the most intelligent person I know, he is so fluent that no onenunderstands him and finds the things he does immaculately hilarious. The bestnpart about your ridiculously smart friend is that they are always (nonexaggeration) wasted.
n    As an avid fan of NASCAR and with the immense respectnfor red-necks, Wally watches every race he can with a beer in hand and usuallynfinishes a case or two by the end of the race. On one occasion Wally convincednmy roommate and I that we should watch the Ford 400 with him. When these thingsnarise it’s an easy excuse to drink and hangout on a lazy day.
n    Yet here’s the thing, when you watch a race there’snreally about a million things going on. The drivers go around the track about anthousand times, trying to keep focus. The pit crew is figuring out what partsnwould make the car go faster, people are spinning out, there’s all differentnsorts of flags and in the mean time there’s about 4 thousand drunk red-necksnfrom all over in the middle of the track. It’s the fact that all of this isngoing on that Wally is genuinely interested in what’s happening, that and thenpossibility that he’s drunk.
n    The race weans on and everyone in the room starts tonshow interest in the race. I am screaming at racers and cursing the pace car.nThe beer that is infusing with my blood is now making the atrocity on thentelevision endurable. Wally proceeds to tell me that I am only experiencing antickle of what the red-neck lifestyle has to offer.
n    After a few good hours of watching drivers andndrinking beer, we decide to eat.  Wally gets excited and raves on about anpizza buffet for 3 dollars. We go there.  On the drive Wally points outnever single white-trash person he sees. That one has a confederate flag on hisnrear windshield. That girl has a mullet. Look at this kid with a Dale Jr.njacket and American bandana. Our sober driver is not happy with us. The pizzanplace is a hostel for red-necks. They are everywhere and I am drunk. Wallynbegins with stare downs, and then yells at the lady working “BarbequenCHICKEN”. The lady working is terrified. I stand for five minutes decidingnwhich pizza hasn’t been molested by the old townie with the jean jacket andncutoffs.
n    We needed to leave, and fast. Wally was beginning toninteract with the locals and they decided that we were making fun of them. Asnwe’re leaving Wally hands a lady with Ted Nugent t-shirt on 10 bucks and tellsnher to buy her son a tattoo to go with his piercings’. The kid is about 6. Wenrun.nn