Different Types of Cops

Recently, my friend and I were caught drinking. Mind you we’re both 18, so underage for people that don’t know laws or care for them, and somehow trespassing in a public park (okay not really somehow but I wasn’t aware that public parks are normally closed from sunset to sunrise). They knew we had been drinking and we were actually stopped by them about 10 seconds after we started driving off. Long story short, there was no DUI given, no charges at all, and we were allowed to DRIVE OURSELVES HOME. Which has made me think a lot about the different types, in respect to Dickness, of police.

Cool Cops: You can spot them right away by the way they’re not complete dicks. They don’t shine lights in your eyes, they ask you questions instead of demanding them, and say things like “I’m sorry but I can’t let you keep that alcohol.” For example, the cops from Superbad. You don’t come across them too much but when you do it’s pretty sweet luck.

I-don’t-give-a-shit Cops: Every year in my area during the weekend after St. Patty’s day (or closest to, I don’t know if weeks are rounded down to the closest weekend?) there is a large parade. While there are plenty of cops, there is also way more underage drinking starting at about Jr. High. I personally have walked past a shitload with a cooler full of Jello Shooters at about the age of 16. I’m sure they thought, “Hey, they technically ‘could’ be non-alcoholic. Shit man I don’t feel like doing paperwork, let’s just drink, too.”

Grandfather Cops: These are the wise “I’ve been there and I know what it’s like” cops who seem to think they can have some amazing life changing thing to say to you, that no one else has. If they stopped and thought for a second though, when did a cop tell them something when they were young that they actually listened to. Oh, but wait, “they’ve been there and know what it’s like”, so it’s completely different. Yeah. Either way, they’re not too far off the Cool Cop, and usually let you go with a warning as long as you make them think you really are soaking in what they say.

Dicks: Now I know I’m messing up the whole parallel structure thing by not putting the word “Cops” after the description, but for the most part I’m sure these cops are full-time dicks. These are the Farva’s of the world. The tasing, power-abusing, fat shitty cops who, since they can’t out run you, out smart you or probably outlive you, decide to shit on your life as much as they can. These are the cops that even when you tell the truth do that “Uh-huh sure punk” shit that makes you wish you had practiced drop-kicking and running away from cows, because it would come in handy. They tell fellow cops and parents shit like how you are so drunk you can’t walk and how the entire time you were cussing and throwing tantrums, even if you didn’t say a word. These are the cops that give every other cop a bad name. Fuck dicks.