Or do you still go by the ever-so-witty handle of "Nick the Quick?" However you choose to identify yourself these days I just want you to know one thing: you ruined my childhood. You are not the only culprit, but many of the hapless, good-for-nothing contestants that plagued the so-called "talent" pool of the Nickelodeon action-sports game show world.
My only dream was to compete at the highest echelon of the adolescent athletic universe, and this was never accomplished because of smiling, dimple-faced, upper-class elitists like you. You see, not all of us are lucky enough to be able to afford a hoity-toity vacation to the fabulous Universal Studios Florida. We're not all born with silver dicks in our mouths. You probably thought the reason you made it onto the show was because of your excellent 2nd place finish in the 60-yeard-dash at your Elementary School Olympiad, but I assure you, it's only because of mommy and daddy's deep pockets.
For these reasons, I will now, in detail, examine the events of your episode of GUTS and explain to you why you d-d-d-didn't have it.
I have to admit, your quest to take home a glowing piece of the radical rock started out rather well. You cleared the hurdles with relative ease, and took the early lead over your competitors. It would have been a closer race, hadn't Eric "Rec-Specks" Johnson kicked over the hurdle on his final jump. You looked like the class of the episode, granted you were competing against a nerd and a girl.
The obstacle course is where it all started to fall apart for you. Such a promising beginning to your quest for athletic immortality ended as quickly as Moira Quirk could blow the whistle to start your second event. The Cargo Net was a tangled web of confusion and your complete incompetence did not end there. In your attempt to make up time, you fell off the Tightrope Walk, and had to go back to the beginning of the course. By the time you reached the Elastic Jungle you were already guaranteed a third place finish.
Eat My Dust
Cheater! Where is your integrity? Have you no respect for the sanctity and honor of competition? You cut practically every corner and deserve the three penalties you received from the all-seeing, all-knowing Mo'. She is the beautiful shepherd of the weak through the valley of the darkness, and the righter of all transgressions.
Again, you show your mental ineptitude as you fail to high-five the spotter at the halfway point of the race. I don't think I've ever seen such a poor display in my life. You have to remember, 90% of the game is half mental.
The Aggro Crag
The ultimate test of strength, speed, endurance, and mental toughness. As we all know, the increased point structure of the Crag allowed contestants to come from behind to win, despite earlier mistakes. This would not be the case for you, sweet Nicholas, as the Aggro Crag did what is was meant to do, and measured your worth as a man. Unfortunately for all of us, you are the type of man who misses actuators and is easily frightened by fake lightning.
So there you have it, Nicholas, the sum of all your shortcomings right in your face. How does it feel? How does it feel to know that you took a place away from a deserving contestant so you could put on a shit-show in front of a live studio audience. I hope you can sleep at night.
Awaiting your reply,
The rightful owner of the glowing piece of the radical rock.
P.S. What does Mo's hair smell like?