The 5 Types of Discourteous Urinal Users

1. Nonchalant Long Distance Stander – Positioned an awkwardly long distance from the urinal, the nonchalant long distance stander urinates under the delusion that he is secure with his own sexuality when he really just wants other dudes to get a glimpse of his wang. Never holds it with both hands; instead he will often multitask, texting his bros or scratching the back of his head with his free hand, and in some cases will go hands-free and do both at the same time. Also usually gives an exaggerated sigh of relief upon releasing.

2. Small Talker – “How’s it going?” “What’s up?” “Nice dick.” Whatever the small talker is saying, it couldn’t possibly affect your or anyone else’s life in any way. A good response is usually to just grunt back at him, but if he doesn’t get the point he might start grilling you with even more intrusive and irrelevant questions like, “You from around here?” Not responding at all works too.

3. Guy Who Uses The Urinal Right Next To You – This guy is just an ignorant prick in that he straight-up does not comprehend or even acknowledge the social norms of satisfactory urinal etiquette. Granted, if there’s a long line and he has no other choice then it is generally considered acceptable, but in any other case this is scorned upon by all of mankind. He doesn’t necessarily do it intentionally (some might just to snag a peek), but his naiveté and blissful unawareness is comparable to that of most teenagers and the current presidential election.

4. Sexually Insecure Paranoid Homophobic – Likely abused as a child, the sexually insecure paranoid homophobic is uncomfortable peeing amongst the company of others. He only uses the urinal during uncontrollable circumstances and stands inelegantly close to it as though he were a woman experimenting with a urinal on a dare while trying to avoid pissing on her dress. He will delicately arch his back and bend his knees toward the urinal to ensure the walls on the side are providing full censorship. His eyes never divert from the wall in front of him even as he zips up and darts out of the bathroom, followed closely by permanent emotional scarring.

5. Excessive Shaker – Just peeing simply isn’t enough for the excessive shaker, who will shake every last drop of urine from his penis as though he were strangling a small ferret with his bare hands during freshman year on a pledging task for that really fucked up frat that roofies its jungle juice. Will frequently attribute the gratuitous shaking to some bullshit disease like “leaky penis syndrome.”