Simonian Etiquette- The Band Practice

O Muse! give to me the inspiration to know what is best in all best ofall best possible worlds! What should one do if one is in a band thatis in dire need of practice?

Well, first of all, it is generally considered polite for all membersof the band to show up to any given practice. The band is a cohesiveunit, not a group of prima donas bent on their own solo careers—forlet’s face it, a drummer (excepting Dave Grohl and Ringo Starr, who arefreaks of nature) will never have the same name recognition as the restof the band. Ideally, you should shoot for fifteen minutes before thegiven practice time, but that is not always possible.
Band practice is not the time to show off your “wicked awesome solo,bro.” Practice is no time for ingenuity; practice is a time foreveryone to join in on a repetitive constant replaying of the samesongs over and over again until the entire band feels either a)comfortable playing the songs they will, most likely, never playoutside of their garage or b) extremely bored with the entire process.Note that it is acceptable to show off your solos after the band hasgotten comfortable with the set list or bored.
The band’s sound mixing should be decided by the band and not anetiquette writer who has never been in a band, contributing to everyband’s unique sound (except in the case of soulless MTV rock likeNickelback, which all sounds the same). However, there is one universalrule that applies to live shows, studio recording, and band practice:Except in the case of jazz, soul, and funk, the bass player should bethoroughly drowned out by the rest of the band, except if it has beendecided that there will be a bass solo in a song. NOTE: There should beone bass solo for every two albums.
It is also never a good idea to “jam” in a song for more than fifteenminutes unless you are a “jam band.” In fact, there is legislationgoing through the United States Congress at this very moment (therebydistracting them from doing something about a recession) that will banjamming for more than fifteen minutes unless in jazz, funk, or jambands.
Let’s discuss solos for a second, shall we? The solo is a tool to beused carefully. It should work with the song as a whole and not simplyact as a tool to show off the guitarist’s skill. A solo that actsagainst the mood of a song and shows off the guitarist’s skill is anact of public masturbation and should thus be frowned upon.
(It should be noted that because it is so kickass, blues is exempt fromall of these rules and has divine backing to do whatever the bluesartist wants.)
Personally, I find that it is a good idea to have a few songsintroduced by way of steel acoustic guitar. This shows that you in factknow where the roots of rock come from and are willing to give a nodand/or bow to the roots. It should be noted that if a band does nothave at least one intro with a steel acoustic guitar (it may last aslittle as five seconds), that band may legally and rightfully be markedas racist, bigoted, and flat-out daft.
And now we skip past the realm of garage band practice to your band asa huddled mass of famous, heroin-addicted, hate-filled middle-agedwhores of the music industry. It is, in fact, time for the break up ofthe band. You should note that the entire world will be watching yourbreak up, and you should thus make it theatrical. Suggestions include:Murdering one another; Committing suicide on stage; Attempting aheroin-influenced bank robbery; Stealing ice cream from a baby; andfinally, my personal favorite, going on a tirade against the Jews andthe blacks.