Staff Picks

What You're Saying With Your Classroom Beverage

by Susanna Wolff on January 24, 2008

Most people come to class with a coffee, soda, and/or that Nalgene they may have stolen from the orientation welcome table (there wasn’t a sign or anything), but every once in a while, a different refreshment makes its way to the lecture hall and we know exactly who those people are.

	I play SPORTS! Fine, sht, I played 3/4 of a game of badminton with my dad six years ago. But I walked all the way across campus to get to class and my pace was fcking brisk, yo! Gots to replenish my electrolytes, brothahs!
	Is it warm in here? I feel, like, really phlegmy. And my ears are kind of itchy, but, like, in the inside part. Do you know what I mean? Does my face look flushed? I feel sweaty, but, like, chilly at the same time. I’m gonna go call my mom.

	Hey, hey. Shh, don’t tell anyone, but shh, there’s booze in here. Likea smidge. A splash. Half. Hehe. Want some? Good, fine. More for me and, additionally, my good friend who is also me. What? Don’t let me call my mom.
	Woo-wee, that all nighter was INTENSE. I was on the Facebook— yeah, sometimes I use definite articles when it’s not really necessary because, haha, it’s just, like, my thing. Yeah, yeah, until, like, 4am and then I took a 6 hour nap, had 3 Red Bulls and came to class. What do you mean it doesn’t count as an all nighter if you sleep? Whatevs, slut. HAHA. I just said “slut.”
	I am straight DRINKING these chips. Watch me pour this flavored powder into my mouth. Look. So good. So NOT thirst quenching. I am just really effing parched now. I should have snagged one of those Nalgenes. Cooler Ranch is better.