Satan Blog: The Dark Correspondence VII

Hey guysss, long time no blog. I am pre-ttay pre-ttay psyched about my new MacBook Air.

Did you know it’s so thin that it can fit in a manila envelope, and also if you apply enough consistent pressure over a few weeks, eventually slice someone’s spine open? I’ve been using it a lot for e-mail and Photo Booth and also for the spine thing. Can you believe I’ve already collected 40 souls in exchange for a MacBook Air? Some people are so into Apple it scares me.

Hope you guys are enjoying the new “American Gladiators.” A producer over at NBC made a deal with me to get it back on the air, and yes, I am regularly inhabiting Toa’s soul. Only during the show, though. I have no use for a 7-foot Amazonian when he’s at home doing his dishes or playing his Nintendo DS.

A lot of you have been clamoring for me to start a video log (vlog) or audio blog (alog?). I totes would, except that my voice is of a different realm. Sure, I can type in English, but when I open my mouth I sound very different. Specifically, I sound like one of those small plastic tubes with the little slider inside them from the early 90s, the ones that went “Aaaiieeeooop, Oooeeeiiiaaaiii” when you turned them upside-down. I invented those as a way to speak to children, so, A&E, you’re welcome. If you guys are interested want to check out some podcasts in hell-tongue, try Cerebus on Cerbebus on Cerebus.


Here is a list of children I would like to eat –
- Jonathan Lipnicki (the kid from Jerry Maguire)
- The octuplets from that show on A&E.
- Julia Child (when she was a child, I have a really good pun I want to use before I devour her soul).
- Most babies, I suppose.

I was starting to feel guilty because I haven’t read a book in a while. I dug up my old copy of Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret. Unfortunately, any paper with His name in it burns to cinders at my touch so I just went back to playing Call of Duty 4. Whatevs.