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105%-O-Matic

Issue #45

by 105%-O-Matic on

If this issue of the 105% is not funny, it is likely due to a manufacturing defect. Ask for an exchange at the point of purchase.

My dog threw up yesterday all over my hand, because that’s what I shoved down its mouth.
-Shawn Pearlman
I bet Slinky Hell is just a bunch of escalators going up. Or maybe that’s Slinky Heaven.
-Jeff Rubin
MapQuest Directions to New Jersey
*Right on Maplewood (12.1 m)
*Left on Really? (16.4 m)
*Really? becomes Huge Mistake (8.4 m)
*Take Exit 41 towards We Can’t Let You Do This (.4 m)
— Initiating Shutdown Override —
-Dan Gurewitch
Expiration dates are the original spoiler alerts.
-Amir Blumenfeld
Call me Mr. Seidell. I didn’t go to Man School to be called Streeter.
-Streeter Seidell
I just don’t understand women. I can never tell if a woman is looking at me because she’s interested, or because she’s wondering why I’m staring at her crotch.
-Tom Sunnergren
Matchbox 20 Tour Bus
Matchbox 20: Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Driver: I swear to god, if you say that one more time I’ll turn this thing right around.
Matchbox 20: …Let’s see how far we’ve come. Let’s see how far we’ve come.
-Jason Michaels
Grammatical Bun in the Oven
Stacey: Jim, I think I’m pregnant
Jim: Are you sure? How do you know?
Stacey: Because… I just know
-Sean Curry
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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.