Dispatches from Grad School: Don't Feed the Bears

As a grad student, I’ve developed an over-sensitive sense of logic. Whenever I see something that bothers me, I have to determine the cause behind the effect. The problem I’ve been noticing is the ever growing number of douche-bags in the undergraduate population.

Now, the thing about douche-baggery is that its a behavior, not an identity. If you strip the stupid looking zip-up hoodie, polo shirt, fake tan, hair gel, and ridiculous Gotti-esque jewelry off of a douche bag, you’ve got a perfectly normal guy. So why do they put on this display that can only be considered socially acceptable at a New Jersey strip mall?

The answer can only be that they’re getting laid. Like a peacock showing his tail feathers, the techno bumping out of the douche-bag’s Scion and the display of orange skin is a courtship display designed to attract mates. Apparently, the undergrad girls are fucking the douche-bags.

Like I said, douche-baggery is a behavior and, like the bears that make a nuisance of themselves in campgrounds, it’s influenced by a reward. If you stop feeding the bears at the park, they stop breaking into cars. It follows that if being a douche-bag no longer provided a reward, guys would stop doing it.

So ladies, please: Do Not Fuck the Douche-Bags!