Your Resume, Translated

Increased annual sales by 120%
Slept with a ton of customers the gain new accounts

Maintained close business relationships with colleagues
Regularly bought weed from the janitor

Well-versed in advanced search engine techniques and operation
Spent most of the time at my last job Googling ex-girlfriends

Organized review of sexual harassment policy
Inappropriately fondled one of the interns

Earned annual company bonus
Habitually stole office supplies

Often worked past required scheduled hours
Constantly arrived late and tried to make up for it

Named “Employee of the Year”
Everyone else hated the job so much that they didn’t stick around that long

Participated in important debates and discussions with co-workers
Got in a fistfight with male receptionist (fag) during the company holiday party

Recruited talented associates to stay ahead of industry competitors
Hired the guy in billing who jacked the walk-off bomb that made us the summer softball league champs