Bro Resume

To become a Jedi. I figure everyone at the top of corporate America has ties to Yoda.

Regional Area Community College (Double D’s , Son!) 2002-2008

·Double Major (Fuck Yea!): Communications and Art History

Stop & Shop, Hackensack, NJ April 2002-Present

Deli Section

·Slicin n Dicin like my idol, Tony Montana

·This dude L.T., the weekend stockboy, made the best bud brownies

Morristown Mall, Morristown, NJ One Week in December, 2006

Santa Claus

·Played Pere Noel to a bunch of local choir kids

·Gained 65 lbs after Rugby season to “get more into character”

·Tried not to show wood whenever cute jailbait was on my lap askin me for the newest “Bratz“figurine

·Dismissed for constant absenteeism. Also punched a mall cop and shoved a manora up a Foot Locker manager’s ass

·Can survive in Patagonia if necessary

·Once turned around a beat party by shankin this fugly 300 lb whale and then me n this ginger kid table-topped her thru a glass end table

·Well versed with a red pugile stick

·Once killed 15 str8 beerbongs of Steel Reserve and then pissed myself after blacking out

·Bowling, Pottery, and Bob Marley

·Racked nuts on this sick rail outside the lib and my buddy shot the video that made the front page of youtube for like 3 hours.

·Pwning n008s with headshots on my new semi-auto paintball gun——-Master Chief Style——-

·Rock Band. Drums.