A Former Contestant On MTV's "Next"

Brandon walks into his favorite restaurant Picante del Sol.

Maitre d’: Yes sir, how can I help you?

Brandon: What’s up? I’m Brandon, a twenty one year old surfer who spends my time riding the waves and straight up chillin’. I love classic cars and I’m looking for a girl who can keep up with all my fast turns.

Maitre d’: Yes, that’s terrific sir. How many will I be seating?

Brandon: Just me. I’m meeting someone Holmes.

The Maitre d’ shows Brandon to his table where Lydia is already seated.

Lydia: Hi, I’m Lydia. It’s so great to finally meet y…

Brandon: NEXT!

Lydia: What?

Brandon: Lydia, if I wanted a girl who could speak I would have asked Helen Keller out on a date.

Lydia: Huh? That’s doesn’t even really make sense.

Brandon: NEXT!

Lydia: Shoud I…should I go?

Brandon: No, no. Sorry about that. Sometimes I just get caught up in the…I have these flashbacks.

Lydia: Alright. No problem.

Brandon: Listen, let’s just start over.

Lydia: This is a nice little restaurant. Oh wow. Is that a Botticelli on the wall? We studied him in this Italian Renaissance seminar that I took last…

Brandon: Speaking of art, I love paintball. So why don’t you put on this gray suit and these goggles. We’re going to see how many paintballs I can hit you with in five minutes!

Lydia: Brandon, you’re making me feel really uncomfortable. I really thought you were going to be a nice guy who…

Brandon: PUT ON THE SUIT!

Lydia: Ok, ok. Just relax.

Lydia puts on the paintball suit and gets pelted with a colossal amount of blue, red, and green paintballs.

Brandon: Three hundred and fifty four. That’s a new record.

Lydia: My dress is ruined!

Brandon: Yeah…this has been fun, but uh…you seem pretty high maintenance and I’m definitely not down with that. NEXT!

Lydia: Please stop yelling that. Please!

Lydia starts to tear up.

Lydia: It really hurts my feelings.

Brandon: I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Just sit down and let’s order some food.

Lydia: Alright. Excuse me waiter, can I get a glass of water when you…

Brandon: Oh man, I love the water. You know I was actually a champion surfer. Why don’t you get this scuba gear on and try to find the rings at the bottom of the pool that I set up in the middle of the restaurant.

Lydia: That’s a fish tank. And what rings are…

Brandon: These rings.

Brandon throws three napkin rings into the fish tank and starts to laugh.