God Blog: Revelation XIII

Suuuuuuuuuup? Oh man, remember that girl I was into a few months ago? The one I had killed so that she could come live with me in a more perfect harmony while armies of angels attended to her every whim? Bi-otch was Ka-ray-zay with a capital Kooky! Oh My Me, this girl was one of those ‘I’m cold’ girls, ya know? She was just always like, “Brrrr, I’m freezing.” “Ugh, why is it so cold up here?” “I’m so cold, I miss my husband, blah blah blah.” For real, i couldn’t take it anymore so I sent her to Hell to burn for all eternity. JAKES! I sent her to Oakland, CA as a newborn baby, which is almost as bad.

Have you guys tried all these different kinds of Orbit gum? They’re Baller! My flavorite is Lemon-Lime (obvi) but I’m pretty into a MojitoMint as well. I’m also really, really into Kettle Chips right now. It’s like, “Salt and Pepper potato chips…of course!” If I did endorsement deals I would totes give one to Kettle Chips but last time I got involved in human stuff you guys nailed me to a cross. And you wonder why I burn down your houses sometimes…

Nobody likes to admit when they’re wrong but man, NASCAR was a mistake. Like, it started off when I gave you the notion of an oval, and then it was chariot racing and then horse racing and honestly, I just kind of stopped paying attention after that. Flash forward to a few years ago when this guy named Dale shows up here – nice guy, does a KILLER larry the Cable Guy impresh – and tells Me he was a NASCAR driver. I take a look down and it’s like, “This is what mine gift of free will hath wrought?” People, THEY’RE JUST GOING IN CIRCLES!

I think the question I get more than any other one is “what is Your favorite creation?” I don’t really know but if I had to choose I guess it would be the Slinky. It’s just so simple and fun. That, or the color orange. I really can’t choose. I guess I’ll just say “the orange Slinky” from now on.

Who just farted? JK, I know it was you Michael, Jessica, Christopher, Ashley, Matthew, Amanda, Joshua, Sarah, Andrew, Jennifer, David, Brittany, Justin, Stephanie, Daniel, Samantha, James, Nicole, Robert, Elizabeth, John, Lauren, Joseph, Megan, Ryan, Tiffany, Nicholas, Heather, Jonathan, Amber, William, Melissa, Brandon, Danielle, Anthony, Emily, Eric, Rachel, Kevin, and Kayla.

Me be with you.

God