Unknown Moments in History: Lincoln's Hangover

It’s a sunny July weekend in 1862. We find our historical figure slowly getting out of bed …

Abraham Lincoln: (Groggy) Oh, man … what the FUCK happened last night? Where did this cut come from? Shit. (looks around) Who the HELL is this tubbo? Oh god, Mary is gonna kill me … oh wait, it is Mary. Thank god I didn’t wake her …

(his aides walk in)

Aide #1: Sir! Sir! Your new piece of legislation is a success! People are already claiming it to be one of the best things EVER!

AL: Yeah … I’m not gonna lie, I have abso-freakin-lutely no idea what you’re talking about. I have no idea what happened last night after … umm … when that one hot intern started doing body shots.

Aide #2: Wow, that was relatively early in the night, sir …

AL: Yeah, I know, I had nothing to eat the entire day, and I was frustrated … I guess I pre-gamed a little too much. Whatever. What’s the deal with this bill?

Aide #1: Well, it’s called the Emancipation Proclamation-

AL: What the hell does that even mean? That name doesn’t even make sense.

Aide #2: Well, sir, we really don’t know. You even admitted last night that you don’t know what it means.

AL: That helps. What does it say?

Aide #1: It has a lot of words and phrases, but essentially you freed the slaves.

AL: Wait, what? I freed the slaves? Oh, shit … All of them?

Aide #2: Well, sir, only the slaves of the confederacy.

AL: Hmm … Well then. Does that actually do anything?

Aide #1: At the moment, sir, no. But if we win the war, then they lose their slaves.

AL: Hmm … I can see how a drunk me could think that was a good idea. People actually like this?

Aide #2: Well, people like it more for the symbolism that it portrays, rather then what it actually does.

AL: Wait, so how did I get this into congress? Aren’t they on vacation now?

Aide #1: You called them all in. I still have no clue how you did that. Then you made them stay up all night and read it. Turns out they liked it.

AL: Weird … so what about our slaves?

Aide #2: Still here, sir.

AL: Sweetness. Toby, get in here!

Toby: Yes, sir? By the way, I love that new piece of legislation you made up last night!

AL: Shut up. Get me breakfast … and a cigar. I feel like a stogie in my hour of glory.

Toby: Right away, sir!

AL: God, I loves me some interns. Speaking of interns, where’s that hottie? I’ll show her my cigar anytime …