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Tic Tac Terror!

by Nate Birch on February 8, 2008

Hello CollegeHumor readers, I come to you today asking�for�you to support a worthy humanitarian cause.� You’ve no doubt already heard of my crusade, as it’s become the talk of the Internet and good people in general since it was launched.� I speak of course of my campaign to boycott the purchase of “Tic Tac” brand breath mints.

While the cause has been met with a great deal of enthusiasm and support thus far (our Superbowl commercial featuring Sean Penn was hailed as a masterpiece by�such luminaries as Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn) the motivations behind my campaign have recently been called into question by some.� I can assure you that�my cause is entirely altruistic.

Me and my colleagues‘�exclusive research into the production of�Tic Tacs has uncovered information�so shocking is has to be true.� Tic Tacs�are made in South American sweatshops, the centers made from a combination of ground panda bones and pure heroin, while the colorful outer layer is painted on by orphans working 23-hour days in the dark.� Also while we’re not yet�certain “Tic Tac” sure sounds like some kind of racial slur, doesn’t it?� Am I right?

I can assure you, my campaign to boycott Tic Tacs certainly has nothing whatsoever�to do with a personal obsession�with Kate Kelton, aka “the Tic Tac girl”.� Accusations that the entire movement is a misguided plot to put Tic Tacs out of business and drive a distraught and purposeless Tic Tac girl into my warm comforting arms are outrageous, offensive and defamatory.

This campaign is about changing the world for the better, not Kate Kelton’s sparkling eyes, full lips and perfectly proportioned breasts.� Although speaking of which, did you know she’s an artist in addition to being professionally beautiful?� Check out her website!� Isn’t that cute?� It’s so rare to find a woman who’s both gorgeous and has that kind of depth…go out and�try, you won’t find ‘em.

So to sum up, eating Tic Tacs will give you cancer of the brain and I’m not in love with Kate Kelton.� Not even a little bit.� For your own good and that of future generations�I humbly urge you to not purchase “Tic Tac” brand mints…if we could change only one person’s life through this campaign I would consider it a�rousing success.

Sincerely,
Nathan Birch, President and Founder of “Tic Tac Terror: Concerned Citizens Against Tiny Mints”.

Nathan Birch is a freelance writer and cartoonist.� Find more of his stuff here!

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