How Video Games Changed My Life

Man, when I was younger, video games totally changed my life. There was nothing they couldn’t make better. Not a day went by that I couldn’t use video games to improve my life.

I totally didn’t study for the SATs…but it was cool, I just whipped out Brain Age and Brain Age Deuce, “trained my brain” for fifteen minutes, scored a 1600. No big deal.

When the Iraq War Dub started I was totes worried about the draft and dying for my country. But I just went online and played some Command and Conquer, then a round of Starcraft…15 minutes later I get a call from some 5-star General thanking me for ushering in a new era of peace and stuff. Apparently Saddam surrendered when he saw my APC rush strategy and hanged himself after my Zerg horde effed up a Protoss base. So ace.

After saving the free world, I got horny, so I invited Sarah, that hot girl down the hall to my room, played GH3’s “Raining Blood” once, got 100% and she gave me her virginity, a threesome with her twin sister and promised me a full body tongue bath the next day. Boom-shaka-laka.

After graduating college I needed a job. As a communication major I did what every other student planned on. Played some Madden before my job interview to relax. Now I’m the Offensive Coordinator/QB for the Browns. What can I say? It was an off-day. I must have been tired from playing left field/cleanup hitter for the Angels after I showcased my MLB ’09 skills last spring. Mad sKILLz.

Well, gotta go. This universe isn’t going to run itself. I gots to put a good 5 minutes into Civilization 4 to keep it running. Ugh. Sometimes the life of a gamer is SO overrated.  Killtacular!