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Sarah Schneider

What 'Teeth' Taught Me

by Sarah Schneider on

1) All guys are creeps. Gynecologists are creeps, step brothers are creeps, guys in high school are creeps, and even guys who have sworn to celibacy are creeps. The only way to teach them not be creeps is to sleep with them, and bite their dicks off with your vagina.

2) “I haven’t jerked off since Easter” is not a suitable reason for a girl to have sex with you. Additionally, answering the phone while having sex and bragging to one of your buddies will probably get your dick bitten off by a vagina.

3) When your dick gets bitten off by a vagina, a few things happen. First, you feel pain. Then, disbelief. Then, you look down at the stump where your penis used to be and go into shock. Next, you STOP RAPING PEOPLE.

Learn any valuable life lessons from a movie lately? Send your experiences to whatmoviesteachme@gmail.com and if you’re lucky I’ll post them.

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Sarah Schneider

Sarah Schneider

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Placebo

My freshman year of college, my ginger roommate bought some alcohol before he went home one weekend. When he left, my friends on my floor and I emptied his clear raspberry vodka into another bottle and replaced it with salt water (so that it wouldn't freeze) and put it back in the freezer. A week or two later, he and his friends were sitting around our room, drinking salt... Read More » water, and acting drunk. He even noted that he could "really taste the raspberry." The look on their faces when we told them that it was salt-water was priceless...and I'm sure the placebo effect immediately wore off!