Thank you, Shannon

They run the commercial non-stop. Everyone in Chicago is subjected to it. It may be the dumbest thing ever produced, and that’s saying something in the Land of Ad. For those of you lucky enough to live outside U.S. Cellular’s advertising range, a summary:

A repulsively earnest young lady addresses the camera and tells the story of going off to college and leaving her dad alone at home. It turns out the girl took care of a lot of things at home because, “well, my dad never learned to read.” With daughter gone and no one to read his cell phone bill to him, Dad wanders into a U.S. Cellular store and asks “Shannon Carlson” to read his bill to him. Now, every week he takes all his mail to Shannon. (Purse lips, pregnant pause, suppress a shudder of emotion.) “Thank you, Shannon.”

First off, if this was true, would you go on TV bragging about it? If you’re this concerned for your father, I recommend you spend less time shooting commercials and more time teaching your father to read. If you’re smart enough to go to college, then it stands to reason (genes being what they are) that your dad has the mental chops to convert scribbles into words.

Of course, Daddy might be retarded. If so, there’s no chance he’ll ever learn to read. And if he’s truly retarded, why did she abandon him to the phone company? If something horrible happened to my mom, I doubt I would turn first to my local U.S. Cellular outlet: “It’s cool,” as I steer my confused mother into their hands, “I’m a subscriber.” (Exit Paul. Tires squeal in distance.)

So let’s presume this story is true. Is there no one else in Dumb Dad’s life but his daughter? No friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, baristas, therapists or parole officers? We hear nothing about a “mom.” The real story here is not that Dumb Dad can’t read. It’s that his life is such a spectacular trainwreck that, in case of emergency, he asks you contact (in order):

1. His only daughter
2. A second-tier phone company.

What mistakes must you make in life that there is only one person in the entire world who gives the slightest shit about you?

But we accept it. Dumb Dad really goes to a U.S. Cellular store with his laundry list of life problems. How does Shannon Carlson feel about this? She signed on to work retail for six hours a day and go home. That’s it. She’s not a reading teacher. She’s not a mental health professional. She makes an hourly wage to pressure poor people into purchasing low-cost plans for low-end phones. Now she’s got a certifiable moron cornering her each week, gobbling up the time she should be using to earn a commission. She has enough to worry about in her own life. After all, no one grows up dreaming to work cell-phone retail.

What does Dumb Dad get in the mail besides a cell phone bill? Other bills, presumably. If Dumb Dad can’t read, Dumb Dad can’t write. This means Shannon must pay all his bills. She must forge his signature. Giving the local phone store unquestioned control over your life savings is not what we in the finance game call “smart.”

Is Double D getting personal mail as well?

Dumb Dad: Weed this paper to me.
Shannon: “Dear Steven, It’s over. I’ve found someone else.” Um, I should stop.
Dumb Dad: Keep weeding.
Shannon: “Perhaps you know him. It’s your literate brother. I need a man who can get it on while reading the New Yorker.”

What has Shannon done to deserve this? On second thought, if she can be manipulated this easily into caring for a functional retard, I suppose she does deserve it.

Given all this, we must conclude the daughter is a horrible, horrible person. She traipses off to a faraway college and abandons her vegetable of a father to the greedy clutches of a publicly traded company (symbol: USM.) Aren’t there colleges closer to home? And if you had to leave, shouldn’t you have lined up someone to take care of the imbecile before you took off? It’s safe to say, without the intervention of Shannon Carlson, Dumb Dad would have died:

No power. No heat. The pipes have burst. Freezing water converts the floor into a treacherous mix of jagged ice and filthy shag carpeting. Dumb Dad squats in the dark, desperately trying to stay warm. He conjures a fire on the coffee table from a mountain of unread collection letters. The house fills with smoke. Dumb Dad is dizzy. He closes his eyes, just for a few seconds…

Best not to think of it.

Yes, the daughter is to blame. Abandoning her dad. Foisting him on the enabler Shannon Carlson. Two lives ruined because one selfish little girl had to go to Harvard. And U.S. Cellular hopes to profit from it.

For shame.