The Stoners Guide to Surviving the House

Here is a list that will guide every pothead to thrive in their natural habitat, the stoner house. Have everything on this list in your place and you’ll be set for the next 3-5 hours.

1. Video games
Doesn’t matter if it’s Xbox 360, NeoGeo or the old Gameboy that looked like a brick. If you can mash buttons and see something go across the screen the way you intended, hours will pass. I suggest Guitar Hero. It kicks ass (obviously), and you’ll be so high you’ll actually believe that you are playing a real guitar.

2. Take-out menus
Plenty of them. Like, more then 20 different places. 

a) Know at least 5 pizza places. Debates always ensue between potheads as to which place is better, faster and greasier.

b) Know a place right around the corner from you. Not because you’re going to pick it up, but because you’ll get your delivery that much faster.

3. Funyons
Stock pile these bad boys. They taste like onions but they’re crunchy. Amazing.

4. Stoner movies
Half Baked, Dazed and Confused, Cheech and Chong, whatever. Watching people smoke that ganja on screen just like them makes a group of stoners think that they too can make a movie like that. They can’t. Nonsensical Youtube videos they will make prove this.

5. Febreze
Mainly for the stoner that wants to keep his habit under wraps (pussies). Whether it is to thwart off nosy parents or a disapproving girlfriend, fragrances are a must to hide your little secret from the world. Febreze works best, Meadows and Rain to be specific. Axe, cheap cologne and Funyons will work to mixed results as well.

6. A plethora of smoking devices
Let’s face it, you’re going to want to smoke some more, and let’s be honest, if you’re a true stoner you’ve got plenty more to smoke. Boredom can and will set in on your smoke sessions if you do it the same way every time. Have handy: bongs, pipes, blunts, rolling papers, vaporizers, soda cans, toilet paper rolls, and whatever else your crafty MacGyver ass can make into a smoking device.

7. Snacks
Obviously. Forget the Funyons, you want chocolate and you want it now. Variety is key. When shopping for food, go for a little bit of everything, chocolate, cookies, cereal, chips, that shit the shoots out cheese…what’s it called? You know what I’m talking about right? It’s like…like an Axe can that shoots out liquid cheese. Fuck, that’s gonna kill me. Anyway, stockpile your kitchen, nothing is worse then getting really high, having no money and finding out you’ve got nothing good to eat.

8. A stoner friend
When puffing that magic dragon it’s always best to use the buddy system. Mary Jane is a very social girl and you should enjoy her with a friend. Everything on this list will become better with a friend. Who wants to play Goldeneye by themselves, or make a prank phone call to the Chinese restaurant asking how much “cream of some young guy” is without laughing with their equally stoned buddy?

a) Stoner Girl. Harder to find but well worth gaining. Stoner guys love weed just as much as they love the warm embrace of a female. Two birds with one stone here, fellas.

b) Beware of Stoner Leech. The Leech will never leave your stoner house the moment he gets a whiff of that herb. He never has weed of his own and when you break out your stash he never has any money on him. The Leech is a crafty pothead, often tricking others into letting him inside to use the bathroom or to pick up something he strategically left over the day before. Avoid at all costs.

9. Music
Self-explanatory here. Zone out to some Hendrix, Marley, or Dr. Dre. Warning: Weed often makes music sound a lot better then it actually is. Case in point, Phish.

10. Weed, weed, weed
I almost forgot. Weed. Lots of it. Weed, Mary Jane, ganja, sticky-icky, bud, herb, cannabis, skunk, grass, dope, whacky tobaccky…whatever you want to call it. You need it, it needs you. Keep enough handy and you’ll never need to leave your stoner house.