God Darn It!

A man finds himself in Heaven. A loud voice booms down from above.

Voice: Hello Bill! Welcome to Heaven.

Bill: Thanks! Great to be here. Who are you?

Voice: It’s me, God.

Bill: Oh. Cool. I guess.

God: You guess?

Bill: Well, I did pray to you, a lot. And you never answered.

God: I did too!

Bill: Well, eventually, but I kept asking for you to take the pain away.

God: I did.

Bill: I had cancer for 2 years!

God: I know, I got you good, didn’t I?

Bill: What??

God: Punk’d son! You got punk’d. P, U, N, K, apostrophe, D!

Bill: What are you talking about?

God: The whole cancer thing. It was my little practical joke. I got you good. I mean, look at the look on your face!

A monitor appears showing Bill as his doctor tells him he has cancer.

Bill: What the—?!?

God: No cursing Bill. This is heaven, not H, E, double hockey sticks. Seriously, though, look how shocked you are. Bam!

Bill: This was…a joke to you?

God: And how! Wait, wait, wait. Check out the look on your face when you told your wife and kids. Boom! So good. Epic.

Bill: I, I was completely distraught. This ruined my life.

God: Duh, that’s why you’re here. You’re dead. Oh, oh, oh, here comes my favorite part. Chemo.

Bill: That was horrible. I was vomiting all the time. I could barely get out of bed.

God: I know!! St. Petey and I couldn’t stop laughing. High-larious! And you kept going back for more!

Bill: (horrified) It was supposed to help. It did help! The cancer went into remission!

God: I know! That was part of the plan. Here you are, happy as a clam again, then boom, dead in a week.

Bill: That was the worst week of my life.

God (aside) Hey, Michael, Gabriel, come here. Look who I found! It’s Bill! Remember. “ugh, I just want to die, please kill me God, boo hoo” Priceless, right!? Oh, Bill you were a hoot. Thanks for being such a good sport.

Bill: My family…my friends.

God: Don’t worry, they’ll be joining you soon! I’ve got a great car accident punk for them!

Bill: That’s terrible!

God: C’mon and watch with us, it’ll be awesome. There’s gonna be a sweet fire in it too!

Bill starts weeping.

God: C’mon, don’t be like that. It’s just a little practical joke. Oh, hey, Gabriel, bring the marshmallows for this one, we’ll make s’mores. Catch you later Bill, thanks for being such a sport!