A Better Alternative

11:30-45 a.m.- I fight the urge to masturbate, knowing I will probably fall asleep again if I do it.

11:45 a.m.- I roll out of bed and lazily walk to Mike’s dorm.

11:55 a.m.- I have to wait for someone to let me in his building, a frustrating experience, as it is about 5 degrees outside, and I forgot my jacket, and it seems no one is around. I start to think masturbation would have been a better alternative.

12:05 p.m.- I finally get in and go up the four flights of stairs to Mike’s room.

12:10 p.m.- I knock on his door, repeatedly, and receive no answer.

12:12 p.m.- Mike’s roommate, Sean (who isn’t fond of me anyway), answers the door. He looks ragged as hell and shoots me a dirty look for rousing him out of bed.

12:13 p.m- (below)

Me: “Hey dude, what’s up, is Mike ready to eat?”

Sean: “Actually dude, he’s still passed out, he kind of had a rough night. Like, he probably should have been in the hospital, and he won’t be good till later on, so just let him sleep it off.” (slams door in my face)

12:20 p.m.- I steal some fruit from the dining hall and go back to my dorm room.

12:30 p.m.- After eating, I masturbate and fall asleep.

Allyson Manchester from Stonehill and Mike Kelley from UMass-Amherst contributed to this article.