Staff Picks

CollegeHumor Interview CollegeHumor Interview
 

Subscribe to CollegeHumor Interview

Get notified about new episodes via email, SMS and on CollegeHumor.

Learn More
Jake Hurwitz

Interview of a Lifetime

by Jake Hurwitz on

We recently got a very interesting email here at CollegeHumor. We realized right away what kind of opportunity we had. I scrambled to write questions, questions I have been dying to ask. 24 hours later here I am. Posting an interview with I had with this guy.

When did you make the jump from one collared shirt to two, two to three, three to four? Was it a gradual process with steps? Or did 4 come out of nowhere?

Trust me, you don’t want to make the jump straight to 4, it could kill you. It’s a long and grueling process to get up to 4 shirts, and so far I’m the only one with enough coolness to get there.

How hard is the final shirt to put on? Do you need to buy your shirts in varying sizes?

They are all size small, to accentuate my already bulging muscles. In order to get the last one on, I had to have several women rub me down in corn oil. It took about 7 hours, plus 2 for the corn oil to dry.

How many collared shirts do you own?

Hmmm. How many different polo shirts has Abercrombie & Fitch made? Multiply that number by 4. That’s your answer.

When rocking 4 collared shirts, what is the rest of your outfit like?

Well I don’t wear any pants, but no one seems to notice.

What kind of attention does wearing 4 collared shirts get you? Do you enjoy the attention?

Not as much attention as going shirtless gets me.

Do you own shirts that are not collared?

Yea but I only use them as beat-off rags.

Is it true that the girl in the picture is actually your sister?

Yea but that didn’t stop me from banging her. Next Question.

Would you ever consider wearing a dickie if it meant you could fit into more collared shirts?

Let me answer your question with a question. Would you ever consider using a condom that’s cut in half before having sex? I know I wouldn’t, my dicks too f*cking big.

Do you sleep in a collared shirt?

Are you asking if I sleep with girls in a collared shirt? Yes. They hold onto my collars as I take them on a ride to heaven.

Do you think there’s someone out there who is a bigger douche bag than you are?

Yeah, anyone who doesn’t masturbate to my picture.

Are you ready for 5 collars? Is the world?

C’mon Jake. Only an assh*le would wear 5 collars.

See More Popular Articles
Like this Article
URL Close
Jake Hurwitz

Jake Hurwitz

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
Up +61 Down
Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.