Hi Chelsea,

Thank you for your interest in [name withheld].

Unfortunately, your qualifications did not fit in well with our current needs and we will be unable to consider you at this time.

Get the hint? 

Its a rejection letter.

Yes, I know when you saw my response you thought perhaps SOMEONE wanted to hire you.

Well, you were wrong.

The qualities we are looking for in a person are traits that you intristically do not possess. 

IE: You Suck.

In all seriousness though, if you wanted to work for us for FREE, we still wouldn't hire you.

Why?

I don't like your name.

I had a jelly donut this morning.

My penis is flaccid. 

I don't know why we make the decisions we make. Too bad your entire future rests upon people like me huh?  Hey, how do you think I feel? 

You think I like rejecting people all day?

Okay, Okay, you got me.  I do. 

I know you've been trying real hard to find an entry level position. From here on in,it's like staring into the abyss of a bottomless pit after graduation, whereas if you don't find anything, you'll be forced to work at the Barnes and Nobles Café with that druid lady with no cervix.

Wish I could help you there buddy. I DID hear that Hooters is hiring. Maybe you could strap on a push on bra and send your resume over there. There's no shame in honest work. Especially if you wear a tank top and short shorts.

Matter of fact, I go there for lunch all the time with the guys, I could just take the resume you emailed and send it on through. Don't thank me. I'm a giver.

Well, best of luck!

Sincerely,


Human Resources