Starring in Trash: Ben Affleck VS Nicolas Cage

Actors do horrible things for money. Much like a drugged up canadian runaway, you can go from A cozy home in Canada (Oscar for Good Will Hunting), to a trucker paying you to wrap your lips around his anus to inhale a fart (Patch Adams).

Today I’d like to look at a very special category. Who has starred in worse movies?
There are plenty of arguments for worst actor, and a boatload for most bad films, but this has to do with the consistency of garbage on your rap sheet in a best of 3 format.

Ben Affleck VS Nicolas Cage

Cage has 8 years on Ben in cinematic mistakes but Mr. Affleck has established himself as a dominant force at accepting money for attrocities.

Round 1. Daredevil VS Ghost Rider

Both have taken part in running a Marvel franchise into the ground and both seemed to relish being ill-fit for their respective parts. Though it must be said, while Daredevil was wildly out of proportion and appeared to enjoy trivializing Matt Murdoch’s character, it was at least coherent. The wheels came off the Ghost Rider wagon almost immediately, challenging us to pay attention to their nonsensical conveyance of plot points, while turning the mediocrity to full blast. Who’s in charge of hell now? Why do they need souls? Why is Sam Elliot riding through the desert with him? If you did follow the story, you should contact Mark Steven Johnson (who coincidentally directed both films), he probably wants to thank you.

Advantage: Ghost Rider

Round 2. Paycheck VS Next

If there’s something cinematically cheesier than Time Travel, its the time travel derivative: I can scientifically see into the future. If there’s something even cheesier or velveeta-ier than that, its scientifically shitting on Philip K. Dick. This is a tough one, both performances won razzies for worst actor, and both actors gnawed the scenery to the ground with a demeanor that screamed “can I go yet?” There is one difference that’s worth noting, Paycheck drown their nonsensical film in lukewarm action sequences while Next attempted a plot, a plot that came out shitty but they tried. Side by side critics seemed to hate them equally, but since Paycheck tried to mask that shit smell with Michael Bayction, it deserves to be recognized.

Advantage: Paycheck

Round 3. Gigli VS 8MM

The bottom of the proverbial barrel. In 2003 Gigli made top (or bottom) 3 on every “Worst of the Year” list, in some cases beating out Kangaroo Jack and Legally Blonde 2. I don’t need to rehash Gigli’s credentials of shittitude, I consider the 121 minutes it executed a holocaust. To refresh your memory here’s a plot synopsis: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retard came to be best friends through a hostage.” I for one would rather be raped with a paint can then have to watch Gigli again.
With that said, 8mm wants to remind you that its a serious movie about snuff films.
Where to start, the plodding unimaginative plot, its revolting unredeemable characters, the utter contempt with which it treats the entirety of the porn industry. 8MM takes every aspect of itself with such heavy handed seriousness, Cage is morose and pained while dealing with sleazy porn dealers, and morose and pained when dealing with his wife. In a movie about sifting through a universe of porn to find clues there is surprisingly little sex.
Probably the thing that stuck out most in my memory was the anti-climactic climax. Cage finally chases down the killer and corners him at gun point, this prompts the most painful and confusing monologue ever delivered on film. The antagonist insists that he is a normal person, was never abused as a kid, neve enjoyed violence, he is a normal person who loves to kill women on film. The message this sends is troublesome at best, 8MM goes out of its way to remind us that anyone, ANYONE could be a snuff artist. You can hate on Gigli all you want, its a bad film, but I think its unfairly awarded punished because of the regrettable Bennifer phenomenon, and also because as a humor the jokes take it to a place where it looks like its a serious film that turned out extra bad. A film that isn’t even half a comedy, and looks bad because it is completely bad is 8mm.

Advantage 8mm

WINNER (Loser): Nicolas Cage

I stand by hating 8mm more than Gigli. Go back and watch them (actually don’t), you can at least goof on Gigli, but 8mm is so noir and shadowy, trying to joke on it is like making fun of a basement, no one cares.

Who’s up next? There hundreds of dog shit factories in Hollywood, it could be anyone.