Roommate Confessions: Issue 15

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

One of our friends is friends with this girl who has a pretty noticeable mustache. We always try to drop hints to her about waxing or how we hate girls that have upper lip hair. Well one night she got really drunk and passed out on the couch. We poked her a couple of times to make sure she was really out. Then we got shaving cream and lathered her up and shaved her upper lip, she looked a million times better the next day.
Eric, East Carolina

During my sophomore year I roomed with a friend which turned out to be a huge mistake. She was a total slob, left half eaten bags of chips and dirty dishes everywhere, played awful show tunes on her computer when I was trying to sleep and didn’t really like to shower. Plus, she and her gross boyfriend never left the room and would just spend hours playing Legend of Zelda and watching Seinfeld. Since she was completely lazy her grades kind of sucked. So, after one afternoon of having to listen to her goddamn Hairspray soundtrack for the millionth time, I logged into her student account (she told me her password once, because she’s an idiot) and had a copy of her grades sent to her parents. She always told her parents she got good grades, but after they saw her real ones, they canceled her credit card until she brought them up. She never figured out how they got them and she still hasn’t gotten her daddy’s credit card back.
Emily, School Not Given

There’s this guy that lives in my hall and he never comes out of his room and we call him the troll. my friends and i found out that he watches animal porn and other nasty stuff on his computer, we can see everything he has on LimeWire trough iTunes. so just to give him a little friendly reminder that the hall knows what he watches, we put pictures of horses on his door, slide little notes about how sick he is under his door and put condoms and panties on his SUV. we just laugh when he tries to complain to the dorm mother about what people are doing to him and she does nothing about it because she doesn’t like him either. We’re still doing stuff to him here and there but he still does not know to this day who is harrasing him.
C. , Blinn College

For some reason my roommate seems to think that bath towels are “communal” (i.e. – leaving me to try drying myself off with my own wet towl two or three per week), so every time I’m pissing and I hit the seat I use his towel to clean it up. Nothing terribly spectacular, but that thing is pretty rank after me accidentally hitting the seat every single day (and sometimes accidentally hitting his towel directly). Consistency is key.
Tim, Colorado State

Freshman year one of my roommates was a fat, harry potter loving, twice a week showering, unplugging our alarm clocks so they wouldn’t disturb her sleep-till-noon schedule, sorority bitch. She spent most of her weekends hanging out with other harry potter/lord of the rings freak friends from home, then her one fat friend from the sorority would come over and they’d squeeze themselves into clingy, glittery dresses and get ready for their “date exchanges”, where the girls in the house would meet with the boys from an unlucky fraternity and have to spend the whole evening in a bar somewhere. The result of this was most often our bitch roommate coming home so hammered that she could barely stand, proclaiming that THIS was the semester she was going to finally lose her virginity. The thing is, she always came back alone. One promising night though, she brought home a fraternity pledge who was also so wasted he probably didn’t remember his own name, much less hers. The guy literally couldn’t walk 10 feet to the bathroom and just sat there on the couch blabbering nonsense. But there was bitch roommate, trying to get in his pants right there on our couch. As wasted as he was though, he was having none of it and pushed her away each time. He eventually passed out on the couch and she made it to her bed. My other roommate and I decided to give her what she wanted and we took a condom, unrolled it and squirted in a mixture of gel and lotion, rubbed some on the outside too, and left it dangling conspicuously out of her bedside trashcan. The next morning her eyes literally got wide when she looked over. I could barely contain my laughter. She kept walking around the whole day saying things like “wow, I thought I’d be able to feel it more, I mean I guess there is a little pressure…good thing we used protection, that looks messy” We were rolling on the floor laughing in the other room. To my knowledge she never figured it out and still thinks her first time was with the wasted frat guy who couldn’t remember her name.
Kristen, University of Southern California