Probable Bedside Manner of Food Network Hosts

It is said that the fastest way to a man’s (and probably a woman’s) heart is his/her stomach.  That said, in addition to eating, even really fat people enjoy sex and as such may be curious as to how their demigods on the Food Network behave after dark.  So without further ado… [see title of article]

Host: Rachel Ray, 30 Minute Meals
Who wants to know: Homemakers, hatefuck fetishists
What they’d be in for: Depends.  Depends on what you ask?  Chiefly if you remembered to down a quart of pineapple juice (Dole- which can be bought at any grocery store- would be preferable) a few hours beforehand because as we all know: PJ plus BJ= Yum-O!

Host: Emeril Lagasse, Emeril Live
Who wants to know: Starfuckers and maybe goombahs
What they’d be in for: Let’s face it, in the culinary world this guy is the creme de la creme in terms of notoriety as well as Sasquatchian body hair.  He’ll use and abuse you and if your lucky, throw a few paper towels your way to clean yourself up afterwards before moving on to the next sous chef/audience member hoping for a taste.  He’ll make you feel dirtier than the dirty rice in his gumbo and that is the thrill, nay, the essence of sex with Emeril.

Host: Giada De Laurentiis, Everyday Italian
Who wants to know: Unhappily married middle age public relations types, teenagers with no access to porn
What they’d be in for: In a word, pain.  Outside, the petite De Laurentiis appears demure, cordial, charming.  Inside something fierce simmers at medium heat.  Notice the picture to your left, the red doesn’t symbolize tomato sauce.  On a date at the theatre, she’ll make you kiss her on the cheek.  In the bedroom, she’ll make you bleed- safety word is brushcetta.
Host: Bobby Flay, FoodNation, Throwdown! with Bobby Flay, BBQ with Bobby Flay, Hot Off the Grill with Bobby Flay (Cancelled, tragically), Boy Meets Grill, Iron Chef America- seriously, he’s a superstud
Who wants to know: Oh I don’t know, non-gay straights who can respect a true grill master at his craft.  A real man’s man who isn’t afraid to pat his buddy on the rear or run his fingers through said friend’s wavy chestnut hair.
What they’d be in for: Nothing if they know what’s good for them.  Bobby isn’t like that.  He’s a professional grill master, and I personally have nothing but respect for him and his assuredly (but as yet unseen) firm, bronzed body.. You know in Classical Western civilizations, platonic admiration from one man to another was nothing to be snickered at- I shouldn’t have to deal with this modern narrow-minded presumptuousness…. I bet his dick smells like some wonderful lemon-pepper rub.
Host: Marc Summers, Unwrapped, Trivia Unwrapped
Who wants to know: Jimmy Ray!- I apologize for that.  Seriously though, anyone and everyone between the ages of 18 and 30 who grew up in America (and probably Canada) has wondered at some point.  If you’re on CollegeHumor now, odds are you’re curious.
What they’d be in for: Exactly 73 thrusts and immaculately groomed pubic hair.
Host: Paula Deen, Paula’s Home Cooking

Who wants to know: GILF hunters, genteel Southerners who preface sentences with, “I do declare,”
What they’d be in for: Double anal, sperm swapping, hot fuck action to the max featuring the entire Atlanta Falcons offensive line… I do delcare I’m going to hell now.

Host: Mr. Food, the 12:00 news, nightmares from childhood
Who want’s to know: Not me.
What they’d be in for: Technically not a Food Network personality, so I’m required to take this no further than I already have.  Gross.