Surgeon General's Warning: Board Games

Monopoly

This “game” instills within players a seething scorn of the Sherman Act. Œeads to the development of an insatiable desire to raze cheap housing for the construction of luxury hotels.Consumption of “Monopoly” has been linked with predatory pricing techniques, the back dating of stock options, and the wearing of monocles.Use is also known to cause “players” to:pursue M.B.A.s, commit white collar crime, and sport “Donald Trump style” coiffures.Gordon Gekko is your new God, go preach the gospel of gentrification. Minimum security prison awaits. ‚ ¼/span>

Were you an R.A. during college? Are you currently driving a Hummer?Or perhaps you’re the diminutive ruler of a rogue state?Yes, you say?Well I suppose you were already susceptible. “RISK” is all it will take to push you over the edge. This “game” will reveal to you the the most suitable outlet for your compulsion to control: WORLD DOMINATION *queue maniacal laughter.*Success in your imperialistic ventures will vary.Worst case you scenario: you rise to management level at your local Bennigan’s, best case scenario you enslave the entire human race.In case of the latter, Welcome to the United Nations of {your name here}!

Clue‚ ‚

Sir or Madame, I am so sorry. Consumption of this game is a death sentence.But hey, once you accept that your number is nearly up, you should seriously consider hiring a cameraman.Thats because your life (or what’s left of it) will make great television.Clue infects players with a profoundly twisted sense of justice.They develop the belief that retribution is best served on the streets far away from judges, juries, and the Fifth Amendment.You’ll probably die while attempting to solve some “who dunnit” murder mysteryor wrestling a pit bull that looked at you wrong. However, on the off chance you possess a natural aptitude for vigilante style justice, you just might end up living long enough to become the next “Dog the Bounty Hunter,“a fate only slightly better than untimely death. ¼/span>

Hungry Hungry Hippos

I mean really, didn’t you see this coming?You sick, sick f*ck.Your penchant for consumption would make Dionysius cringe.You’re done for,going… going… GONE.I’m not even going to tell how its going to happen.You need to stop and think where your about life is headed. OK, I’ll give you a hint, two words: Mama Cass.¼/span>