Donkey Kong: Letter to Rareware circa 1996

To whom it may concern:

I’d like to open this letter with FUCK YOU! Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You’re making ANOTHER game without me? You have some fucking nerve. Oh I’m sure I’ll get KIDNAPPED again, though. That’s great. Do I look like a stupid, blonde twat in a pink dress to you? I’m a big fucking GORILLA. I don’t just get kidnapped all the time like that Italian-loving whore.

Now I was cool with this idea for the last game. Replacing me with Dixie was the only way she would fuck me, so I was down with that. But once that slut starting fucking Diddy behind my back I thought I made it VERY CLEAR that I want NOTHING to do with her anymore. Well I guess she fucked him over too, because now you’re making her the star of the game? Did she blow all of you, or have all of you just gone apeshit (no FUCKING PUN INTENDED)?!

I’m also told her little sidekick is going to be some kid so deformed that he’s as big as me? Well you better watch out. Dixie might jump the freak-baby’s bones and then you’d have some statutory rape shit on your hands. And seriously, a fucking BABY? You think people are going to dig that? Oh, because babies are cute? Maybe when that baby is so big that picking him up could KILL THEM they might change their minds.

If I’m going to be some victim again and get paid less than that helicopter-wannabe cock fiend, my lawyers and I will absolutely NOT allow the game to contain my name or likeness. Fair warning.

Hope you have a nice fucking day.


DK

PS
My banana royalty shipment is late. FIX THAT.