Staff Picks

Patrick King

Woes of an Intellectual Part 2

by Patrick King on

A buddy and I are at another party, still by the keg. I see an attractive blonde on the other side of the room and decide to give it a shot.

Me: Hey, what’s up, I’m Pat. What’s going on?

Girl: Oh, you know, just having a good time.

Me: Hey, are you into reading by any chance? How about existentialism? Like Jean-Paul Sartre, Being and Nothingness, Nausea, you read that stuff?

Girl (clearly uninterested): Umm…

Me: Forgive me, I’m sorry, I always talk about existentialism when I’m drunk. What’re you into?

Girl: Um, well, I really the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books! Those are my favorites, I think, it’s so hard.

Me: Really? Haven’t read them. How about Chomsky? Or Foucault? You know, biopower, biopolitics, all that. Great stuff.

Girl: Oh! Is that kind of like that movie with Pauly Shore? Oh my god, that movie is so funny! He’s hilarious!

See More Popular Articles
Like this Article
URL Close
Patrick King

Patrick King

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
Work Sucks Awful work stories See All »
Up +59 Down
Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.