Mindy Raf

Phone Sex Break Up

So, remember that time in college when your boyfriend, who went to another school, called you to break up with you at the same time you guys usually have phone sex? Good times.

GF: Hello?

BF: Hey Babe.

GF: Hi! Wait, hold on, I gotta go into my room. Okay. Hi (lusty phone sex voice)

BF: Hey. So listen… I know we usually do this right now, but I actually called to talk.

GF: I know baby. I want to talk too. About boning you!

BF: Yeah, okay but-

GF: What about my butt? Mmmmmm.

BF: No, it’s just that, see, we’ve been together for a long time now and-

GF: I know baby. Mmmmm. Looong. Oh, guess what? I’m taking off my panties.

BF: And…I think that you’re great. It’s not you, it’s me. And…God, this is so hard.

GF: Yeah? Uh! And this is sooo wet.

BF: NO, listen baby…okay I’m just gonna go out and say it: I’ve met someone else. There’s someone else.

GF: Oooo, there’s someone else? Is she hot? Can I watch? Mmmm…I’m touching myself thinking about you touching her. Are you licking her tits? Do they taste good?

BF: Yeah, yeah, yeah, so like I said, it’s not you, it’s me. Though, sometimes, you can just be kind of…dependent and clingy and-

GF: Yeah! Uh! Clingy! Like my pussy clinging to you cock?

BF: No…like when we go to a party and you never let me-

GF: Mmmm, you wanna do it at a party? Okay. Where are we? In the bedroom with all the coats? Yeah, uh, yeah, uh, fuck me on the coats!

BF: No, no, no! I can’t fuck you on the coats because I’ve dumped you!

GF: Mmmm…yeah! Dump me! Dump all over me!!

BF: No, I’m breaking up with you! For real! I’m met someone else!
It’s over! / GF: I’m cuming! I’m cuming! Uh! Uh! Uh! Wait, what??!! (heavy breathing. light sobbing)

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Plastic Joe

So my uncle steals credit cards. It's kind of his thing. They once called him 'Plastic Joe' on the news, which he wildly objected to, claiming that it made him sound "like a Goddamn vibrator!" Anyway, when I was 11, the cops were raiding our house, looking for evidence to incarcerate my dear, misguided uncle. The whole family is on the porch, and my lazy-eyed dog... Read More » will not stop barking at the asshole police. They tell us that we had better shut the dog up, because he does have the authority to shoot it. I'm thinking that if he even tries to shoot my dumbass mouth breather dog, I'll punch him in the tooth. A couple of minutes later, another officer comes out of the house, and slams down a comically large orange envelope on the table, and blank credit cards and credit card paraphernalia spill out everywhere. The officer has death in his eyes, and demands to know who the envelope belongs to. Nobody says anything. But then smart ass 11 year old me stands up, and says dramatically, "Officer. Those are obviously mine. I'm a mafia crime lord. They call me Plastic Joe." I extend my wrists for cuffs. "Be gentle." The shit hits the fan. The officers get furious, my grandma is trying to tell them I was obviously joking, my sister is calling me stupid, and my uncle is laughing his balls off. 11 year old girl: 1 Cops: 0 Well, I mean...my uncle did end up getting arrested. So...maybe it's a tie.