On Your First Time

1.) Sex is the Super Bowl of Making Out. Act Like You’ve Been There Before

If she asks if it’s your first time, say, “No! I have sex all the time with, like, fifty girls. Not at once, although that would be great too! I’ve been seeing vagina since they day I was born. But because I want this to be as good as possible for you, please direct my penis with your hands into your bikini area in order to give you maximum satisfaction.” She’ll think you’re an expert and taking it slow for her benefit.

Nothing nets you a high-five like letting the boys (or girls! Lucky you with your co-ed suites!) know that you are about to have sex. Put a sock on the doorknob and wink at everyone playing Smash Brothers Brawl. They know what’s about to happen! Score one for the big guy!

NOTE: Try not to let your sex partner see you do this unless she’s chill. In which case, man, buy a ring and tie that shit down.

3.) Tell Her She’s Beautiful. Constantly.

Girls can be insecure about being naked. Smooth this over by constantly shout whispering, “You are beautiful! You are beautiful! You are beautiful! You are beautiful! You are beautiful!” She’ll feel more comfortable in no time.

4.) For Background Noise, Music is Good. But Ridley Scott’s Gladiator is Better.

Maximus! Maximus! Maximus! Can you imagine how good it will feel to have sex when you’ve got all of ancient Rome cheering you on? When you’re about to finish, scream, “Am I not merciful!” and you can both have a good laugh. If you’ve got a lot of stamina, there is also an Extended Edition of the movie.

5.) Avoid Taping (This Time).

I know you’re excited to get this baby up on YouTube. Someone’s got to take down “The Evolution of Dance,” am I right ladies? High-five! But think of your first time having sex as the PSAT. Sure, the questions are mainly the same. But you don’t want that score to count as much as when you’re actually prepared for the big test. The second time you’ll get a 2350 for sure!

Well, I hope this helps you have an enjoyable time. If it doesn’t go well as you hoped, maybe sex isn’t for you. Not everyone can be the World Champion. Judah Friedlander owns that hat. If it doesn’t pan out, I would try something new. I mentioned Super Smash Brothers Brawl earlier. That’s also a lot of fun!