Roommate Confessions: Issue 17

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

My Freshman year I pledged a fraternity with my best friend. One night we got drunk, used this text-to-voice program to call one of the actives that we didn’t like, and left the following voicemail:Dear (your name) one or more of your sexual partners has HIV/AIDS. Please call (a number for a health clinic in town) to schedule testing.We figured the guy would realize it was all joke so we didn’t bother telling him it was actually us that had called. Yeah, not so much. The guy spent the next 6 months convinced he had AIDS; his girlfriend left him once she found out, his parents were attending AIDS support groups with him, and to make matters worse the girl he had thought he got the virus from had sex with most of our fraternity, so EVERYONE had to get tested.After we were initiated we told the chapter what we had done, he threatened to sue me but nothing ever came of it. Long story short: Best. Phone call. Ever!
T.J., Centenary College of LA

I watch you in your sleep.
Jake M.

My freshman year of college, I lived with the biggest frat star you could ever imagine. This guy loved to go out to parties and get drunk on the weekends, week nights, and most of the time during the day as well. He would come in at all times of the night just hammered drunk, turn on the T.V. blaring loud, sometimes puking in the floor, and once he actually peed on his refrigerator because he thought it was the toilet. Well, he liked to keep his alcohol bottles in this same refrigerator. He was a big vodka drinker. He wasn’t in the beer drinking frat, he was the loser daquiri mixing one. Beside the point… I replaced his vodka with some PGA I bought. So the next time he went to get drunk, he drank the same amount of liquid, except the alcohol concentration was twice as high. Since he always overdid it already, this time he ended up in a ditch on the side of the road with his car upside down and had to be taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning. He broke four ribs, and his left leg (tibia and fibula, compound fracture). His parents also took him out of college. I don’t feel bad.
Bradley, School Not Given

When you come home drunk, eat my food, pass out in the living room and wake me up when I have work early the next morning I take my fleshlight and rub it on your lips. And by the way, it was real cute when you just happened to let everyone know I take Valtrex. Something tells me you’ll be needing some soon, too.
Name Withheld, Nicholls State University

Sophmore year I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 other guys. The 2 of us were “normal”, clean guys, and the other 2, while we were friends with them, were pretty lazy and huge slobs. Only one of them had a computer, and he was usually at his girlfriend’s place (who we couldn’t stand). One Thursday night, after coming home to a trashed apartment, and a note that said he wouldn’t be back until Monday, we had enough. My roommate, “Sam” is pretty computer savvy, so he put a program on slob’s computer that would allow “Sam” to control it from his own computer. Needless to say, we messed with slob’s computer. We downloaded a porn clip and took the audio from it, which was a chick saying, “Oh my ass is so tight even the whales can hear it when it squeaks,” and set it as the sound for every single action. Monday rolled around and slob sat down at his computer to do whatever. Everytime he clicked on something, opened something, minimized something, etc, this chick’s voice blared over his speakers, “Oh my ass is so tight even the whales can hear it when it squeaks.” After a minute of him trying to figureit out, he could hear us laughing through the wall.A couple months later, his hamster got out of its cage and crawledinto his subwoofer, chewed through the cables, got electricuted anddied inside. So slob lost his hamster and a subwoofer the same day.
Dave, Univ of MN – Duluth