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105%-O-Matic

Issue #52

Less than 2 percent of our readers die from incredibly rare diseases. Coincidence?

Politically Correct Dyslexia
-“Ask that black guy for directions”
-“Excuse me, but I believe they prefer to be called ‘little people.’”
Popular Weird Al Songs if He Were Born in 1920…
- “Bugle Bugle Bugle Boy of Company Cheese!”
- “Twist and Trout!”
- “Eat it!” (But he’d record it as a 65 year old.)
The deli I go to has a sign that says, “This line bagels only.” I sometimes like to pretend I’m living in a racist cartoon world.
Boring YouTube Videos
-Successful Omelet Cook
-New Donald Sutherland Movie LEAKED!!!
-How to Re-Bristle a Broom!!
-4-Minute Mustache-Trim Attempt
-8-Minute Mustache-Trim Attempt!!!
I just got back from Mexico. Everybody’s lawn looked amazing.
Just kidding, they were all covered with car parts.
Movies Titles That Perfectly Explain The Movie
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Debbie Does Dallas
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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.