A Guide to Crowd Surfers

It is more than obvious that this guy is being held up against his will. His constant struggling, squirming, and yelling of the phrases “Put me down!” and “You guys are assholes!” signify that he is not enjoying his surfing experience; it is simply the result of him being short and his friends being jerks. There may be a slight chance of him having a mental or physical handicap, but it’ll be hard to tell at this point. Regardless, keep him up there for as long as possible. It’s funnier that way.

The Dirtbag

This greasy bastard hasn’t worn a shirt since he got his nipples pierced back in 2001. Sweaty and drunk, be aware of his limbs flailing above you with no signs of remorse. Also, don’t expect any sympathy when the heel of his hiking boot bludeons the side of your fucking skull. He will either have the longest hair at the concert, or a completely shaved head. As his filthy torso glides toward you, prepare yourself to punch and jab at his ribcage without mercy.

The Hot Chick

Having an attractive young woman choose to take flight among the hands of sweaty, lonely men is a rare but beautiful occurrence. This girl is fully aware that the thousands of male fingers she is relying on to stay afloat will also wander inappropriately around her body. If she decides to surf then it is your right as a male concert attendee to grope at will. Copping a feel is pretty much the only benefit to having floor tickets to a concert, so feel free to take full advantage. If you succeed in tearing off her thong underwear, be sure to track her down afterwards, at which point she will be yours forever. It’s like Cinderella, but metal

The Fat Chick

Unlike the Hot Chick, Fat Chick is actually looking forward to being fondled. What she doesn’t realize is that any attempt to do so will detract from the immensive effort needed just to keep her in the air. At least she’ll be easy to spot, giving you a fair amount of time to ready your arms for unstoppable agony. You will be severely reminded of just how fragile your tiny wrists are. Remember, at least it’s not your neck, unlike the poor soul next to you. Ah well, one less person to fight off when a guitar pick flies your way.

NOTE: You will never see a fat guy crowd surfing. They know better. Most of them have forced their way to the front of the stage by now, or are circling mosh pits, violently pushing people over.

The Failure

Up and down in a matter of seconds, this asshole doesn’t seem to realize that nobody cares enough about him to keep him surfing for prolonged periods of time. He will request a boost from several strangers until finally attempting to ninja-jump himself onto the crowd. This process will repeat until he either lands on his head one too many times, or punched out for being a dick. Odds of him being your ride home: very likely.