Oh the People I Meet (and the Sunglasses They Wear)

Oh hey, I didn’t see you there. I was too busy texting my BFF Ashley telling her to bring my Northface back. That, and I no longer have peripheral vision due to my comically large sunglasses. I hate to wear them, but they not only hide the obvious pouches of cheek fat I get from eating nothing but French fries for meals, but they also give me the outward appearance of a confused, Burberry-clad insect! Now get out of my way, I need to walk obnoxiously slowly to the cell phone store to get diamond studs on my pink RAZR.

Yo brah-strap, what’s good in the hood? I’m wearing these sunglasses because I got in a huge fight the other night, and I don’t wanna show off the sick shiner I got. You should see the other guy though, I messed that sucka up, he spilled his Corona all over my polo! He was only a freshman… in high school… but he was giving me a dirty look, he had it coming. Holy sh*t dude, check that chick out, she looks like a f*ckin praying mantis. Man I’d roofie the sh*t out of her.

Woah dude, you totally snuck up on me there! Yeah, it may have to do with wearing these sunglasses at night, but I mean it’s like, you were all in my face there! I mean not inside my face, that would be so weird though, like secret government microchips inside your face, where they’re watching your every move, but like… wow, I’m craving some Pringles right now. I’d walk into the corner store, but the cops (WHO ARE EVERYWHERE) would totally bust me. Forget it, I’m just gonna watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force instead. Wait, what was that noise?!?

BOOP, BOOP, GREETINGS EARTHLING. Haha, just playin’ man, that’s a joke from Battlestar Galactica. Here, let me show you the clip on my iPhone which I waited 8 hours in line for on opening night. Oh wow, I can’t even see the screen, my sun-activated hybrid sunglasses are so dark. I mean, who would ever buy regular sunglasses when you could have the power of a light-sensitive, multi-functional lens-corrective pair? Oh snap, I’m late for Comp Sci, lates! And may the force be with you!

GET TO DA CHOPPA!