What 'Alpha Dog' Taught Me

1. In California, every girl is smokin’ hot.

2. In California, every house has a 52” plasma TV.

3. In California, Bruce Willis somehow sired Emile Hirsch.

4. If Justin Timberlake offers you a chance to get on a bus and go home, take it, no matter how handsome he looks in his wife beater.

5. If Justin Timberlake offers you a chance to smoke marijuana with him instead of going home with four smokin’ hot girls, don’t take it. You will definitely get arrested.

6. If Emile Hirsch offers you $2500 to kill someone, don’t take it. You will definitely get arrested.

7. If Shawn Hatosy offers you a chance to dig a shallow grave on a hilltop with him, don’t take it. You will definitely get arrested.

8. Even if you’re 15 and Jewish, two blonde chicks will have sex with you in a motel pool. GO HOME INSTEAD.

9. If Justin Timberlake and Shawn Hatosy offer you the chance to accompany them to a hilltop, don’t take it, no matter how handsome JT looks in his wife beater.

10. If Justin Timberlake tries to tape up your hands and mouth, don’t let him, no matter how handsome he looks in his wife beater or how many times he says he’s your boy.

11. Marijuana is a gateway drug that leads immediately to horrible, untimely death.