This article may be only of interest to students at St. Cloud State University,but I highly doubt that.It has recently come to my attention that the campus and apartment security guards really don't keep anyone safe and secure;they just keep people that are under age in trouble and upset.To be completely honest I feel that these security guards are a joke, and sad individuals that couldn't cut it in the police academy so they need to taketheir anxiety and shame out on individuals trying to have a good time."here have been instances that I have witnessed that would lead me to believethat they actually get off on busting under agers.One can infer that³ecurity guards converge at their headquarters and swap stories about busting up little apartment pre-gaming parties as if they were trading tails of a good piece of ass they had.If they are only put on this planet to bust up minute frivolous parties and gathering."han I feel that they should at least change the name of their organizations, something that gives the true meaning to their purpose on this planet.Instead of names like GSSC, which supposedly stands for"General Security Services Corporation",´hey should choose names that more closely fit their persona.Numerous ideas come to mind when pondering about more suitable names for these companies, for instance"TWHNBTDC" The We Have Nothing Better To Do Company, or maybe that is not catchy enough.For those who like a name that is a little bit more attractive I have come up with "SWAS" Security With Asshole Service. Anotherthing that I am very much imprested by with these security guards is their intelligence and ability to stereotype and jump to conclusions.Take for example, one night a security guard knocked on our door because our movie was too loud, and this guy being the intellectual individual that he is, seemed to draw the conclusion that because we have a "typical stoner poster" hanging in plain sight that we indeed must be under the influence of the dangerous illegal substance that is known on the streets as Pot or Mary Jane.At this point in time the security guard was practically on the phone with the judge trying to get a warrant and the DEA to search the apartment, and asking us to hand over the "Supposed" paraphernalia and contraband based on his impractical accusations.This story speaks for its self; when I say that someone could take a shit on an I.Q. test and still score higher than most of these people.Unless I am being naive about this situation and it is actually against the law to have a poster hanging up in your living room."he timeliness of these security guards is also impeccable.They always seem to be roaming the hallways and streets surround the apartment on the weekends but yet I am never able to locate these fine individuals on a week night when people have to walk home from night class or the library when they would maybe like to know that theyare SECURE from being mugged or raped."hat might be just a thought but I have the strangest inkling that I amprobably not the only person that feels this way.Now don't get me wrong there is an exceptionto the rule, what I am trying to say is there are some good, honest and respectable security guards, so you are probably asking your self, "How can I distinguish between the good and the bad?""hat is easy because I have broken the bad ones down into four commonly found categories: first, the Steroid Freak, these individuals are very easily noticeable because of their over grown muscles and unnecessarily short temper.They also usually have a nervous tick and talk at an unreasonable volume most likely brought on by the anabolisms.The second category I have labeled The Dumbass, as with the last category it is very easy to identify these individuals.Although as apposed to the Steroid Freak appearance is not the greatest determinate in identifying the Dumbass; the thing that gives one the ability to recognize a Dumbass is their incapability to speak with any intellect."he third category has quite the lengthy title; The Guy Who Can't let High School Go, these security guards are usually the worse.They have the tendency to get students in the most trouble because their erroneous vendetta against the fun loving peoplethat never like him in high school and still to this day are given reasons tohate ´hem.The fourth and last category that I have developed pays homage to a great movie that was filmed in the great state of Minnesota, Grumpy OldMen.These security guards are generally forty and older, and often suffer from a range of old man aliments such as hemorrhoids, ED, and IBS.For those whoare not up on their abbreviations ED stands for Erectile Dysfunction, and IBS isshort for Irritable Bowel Syndrome.Butback to how to identify them, their age as previously stated is a dead giveaway, when they arrive at the door they will most likely seem extremely agitated.The agitation general derives from many of their medical problems; for example maybe they were trying to get some action from the wife before their shift and the ED kicked, or maybe the IBS is making him constipated and which created another hemorrhoid, or maybe acombination of all three, who knows.I pray that you, the readers of this article never come into the contact with these supposed "Security Guards" that are so rampant on and surrounding college£ampuses across America.
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