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T.J.

What 'I Am Legend' Taught Me

by T.J. on

1. The person who finds the cure for cancer is actually a huge douchebag.

2. Albinos are only slightly more human than zombies.

3. Always leash your dog, ESPECIALLY when hunting deer in a post societal world.

4. Don’t trap a albino guy’s girlfriend in a black tarp, take her back to your place, sedate her, and experiment. In the end, he’ll get you back.

5. Even with the collapse of society and human existence hanging in the balance, Will Smith will make time to work out.

6. If you ever see a mannequin out of place, just let it go.

7. Trying to say “hi” to a female mannequin is an emotional experience.

8. Will Smith can, actually, fix this.

9. Contrary to popular belief, neck tatoos are sign that someone can be trusted. Even if its with the fate of humanity.

10. Vermont’s not such a bad place after all.

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T.J.

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.