It seems that every time I log onto Facebook (admittedly too often), there is always something/someone new there to piss me off. Over time some recurring themes become apparent. I've been mentally compiling a list of grievances regarding these Facebook faux paus. Here are a few that immediately come to mind:
- Guys with profile pictures where it's obviously them alone in the bathroom holding a camera at arms-length. From now on, only do this if you're willing to tattoo "douchebag" to your forehead.
- People who put up someone/something other than themselves as their profile picture. What a weak charade. Anyone who's belonged to Facebook for more than a day will immediately realize that you must look like a horse's ass.
("Hey look guys, I have "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski as my main Facebook pic LOL."
"You don't even like that movie, man. You just have that picture up because you're ugly as sin."
"Shut the Fuck Up!")
- You insist on putting up excessive pictures of yourself funneling beer or doing kegstands, so that you can show all the people who made fun of you in high school how cool you are now that you're in college.
- People who make those queer "fishy faces" where they pucker their lips together and suck in their cheeks. The hidden rationale behind this is that it reduces the surface area of the face and temporarily veils your ugliness. Chicks do this enough as it is, but if you're a guy and you have pictures like this anywhere but hidden in a safety deposity box in Yemen, you should be dragged out behind a barn, shot in both kneecaps, then left to die from the blood loss.
- Fat/ugly chicks who have perfected the art of posing for pictures at weird angles, once again in an attempt to veil their hideousness. Smell the Folgers, bitch, you're not fooling anyone. If you wildebeests keep acting up like this we're going to have to round you all up so we can start exhibiting you in zoos.
- Dumbasses who respond to a post someone wrote under one of their photos, as another post under that same photo, with the intention of initiating a conversation, but apparently no realization that the other person will never look at that photo again and thus never receive the message.
("Wow, lookin' good, John."
"Thanks, Becki, you goin' to the toga party Saturday?")
- People who create/join inane facebook groups, ie. Biggest Group EVER (there are over 30 million of these now), Derek Zoolander's School For Kids Who Can't Read Good, Stephen Colbert For President, If 10,000 people join this group I'll put a gerbil in my ass, etc.
- Overzealous guys who worship their school's athletes (usually football stars) to the point of supplication. ("34 touchdowns baby, EAT IT! Heisman Baby HERE WE COME! Oh Jamal Jackson you are so awesomeIloveyouIwannablowyouyou'resomuchbetterthanmeI'mscum I'mluckytobreatheyourairyou'reGodIwillsacrificemyfirstborninyourh-onor") Dude, do you really have such little self worth that you must spend your time praising another man? You fucking asshole.
- People who add their school's athletes as friends, without actually knowing them. ATTENTION SHITHEADS: They have no fucking idea who you are, and they don't give a shit about you. You are a foot-and-a-half shorter than they are, and you actually have to work for your grades. They fucking pity you.
- You write "Best Picture EVER" as a post on a photo. Please shut the fuck up. You know that Vietnam War photo where the quivering Vietcong has a gun to his head and is about to get executed in an open street? THAT'S the best picture ever. Or possibly "Goatse". But that picture of your friend holding his chin in mock contemplation while doing the fishy face and raising one eyebrow is the gayest shit I've seen in years. I hate you.