Staff Picks

Adam Hrabik

How I Would Address The Issues Brought Up In The Upcoming Election

by Adam Hrabik on

Carbon Dioxide Emissions, Fuel Efficiency, and Alternative Energy
All of these problems can be fixed with one solution: OUTLAW VEHICLES. Instead, we will ride around on tigers with saddles strapped to their backs.


They’re completely safe for the environment, they consume zero fuel (save the occasional gazelle), and you’ll never have to worry about hitting a deer on the highway! Also, you’ll be giving the Soviet Russia treatment to any dog that decides to chase you.

Iraq War
Bring our troops home!
I’m not saying we should end the war. I’m saying we’re fighting with the wrong guys. Bring home our brave men and women of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines…and replace them with the New England Patriots and their fans.
Still think you’re invincible after that Super Bowl loss? Well strap in, you Bostonian bastards! We’re about to put your theory to the test.



Gay Marriage
Yucky! Next.




Illegal Immigration
Does Peter Jackson still have that Black Gate of Mordor sitting around? Good. Set that up around the Rio Grande and call it good. If they can get around a 300-foot wall of metal guarded by minions of orcs, they deserve to live here!







Economy
One word: WAL-MART (is that two words?). Starting today, everyone shops at Wal-Mart. Also, everyone works at Wal-Mart. Also, everyone lives at Wal-Mart (thanks to their low-cost bunk beds and barracks). No more cities and towns, just giant Wal-Marts dotting the country. And plenty of fun blue vests for everyone!

See More Popular Articles
Like this Article
URL Close
Adam Hrabik

Adam Hrabik

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
Work Sucks Awful work stories See All »
Up +60 Down
Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.