ManHair

Let it be known here, now and forever, on the record. I have man-hair, and it’s here to stay. For those of you who don’t know, man-hair is any hair on a man with an origin not found on the head. This includes hair of the arms, legs, pits, chest, etc. In other words, man-hair is the hair that club-going Italians shave, wax, and otherwise pretend to not have.

As you may already know, man-hair is one of the greatest known indicators of manliness, and that the more you have, the more manly a man you are. The more man-hair that you remove from your body, the more manliness you are willing to part with as well. It’s simple math and science, really. Thus, “manscaping” and otherwise removing man-hair from your body is a confession of sissy-dom and possible full-on femininity.  

Women have placed an unfair negative stigma on man-hair, because women in society are required by law to ruin everything for men. Therefore, they like to complain about the existence of man-hair and many even force their significant others to participate in the borderline-satanic practice of man-hair removal. Would you like to know why? Don’t answer me, that was a rhetorical question. Because they are threatened by all that is manly, and they are jealous of the many talents of men… and they hate that while men can flaunt their man-hair, women must remove theirs. That’s right-women want man-hair too. They want it for themselves, and hate that they can’t. Unless they’re French.

Europeans are far more advanced than are Americans when it comes to man-hair appreciation. They love it. Over here, though, women act like men who cherish their man-hair and refuse to rid themselves of it are barbaric, uncivilized, and distasteful. I’m here to tell you this: women who say these things are barbaric, uncivilized, and distasteful. Man-hair is majestic, and it’s making a comeback.

Just think of all the important men in the world who have man-hair-they should serve as reminders to all men that man-hair should be flaunted, cultivated, and above all respected. Chuck Norris has man-hair. A lot of it. And he’s only kicked ass on like eleven continents. Kevin Shields has man-hair and he killed a fire-breathing dragon with nothing but a feather duster, a used Sterno, and a receipt from Forever 21. David Hasselhoff has man-hair. Everyone wonders why in the hell people (read: Germans) find the Hoff to be awesome and women find him irresistible. The guy can’t act his way out of a paper bag, he’s extremely creepy, and he cried during a performance on American Idol. But he has man-hair. You do the math. In fact, since you’ve been reading this article, the Hoff has bedded three beautiful, younger women who, if you asked them, couldn’t tell you why the hell they did it. Truth. That’s the power of man-hair. These men are not the exception, they are the rule. A list of men with man-hair shows that man-hair = greatness. It’s practically a who’s who list of awesome. Google it.

So basically, what it all boils down to is this: man-hair is the shit. If you’re a guy, keep yours-don’t shave your arms and legs, don’t wax your chest, and don’t pluck that unibrow. Instead, embrace your armpit hair, twirl your chest hair around your fingers, and braid your back hair. Women: leave us alone. Stop hating, kill the jealousy, and cope with the fact that man-hair on men is awesome and man-hair on chicks is nasty. Is it a double standard? Yes. Is it unfair? Yes. In fact, I might go so far as to even call it an unfair double standard. Sucks to be you, bitches.