I have come to the conclusion that surely, I have the worst roommate that a person can have. I hear stories from other people, telling of messy roommates, inconsiderate roommates, and overly promiscuous roommates. Yet, I envy those from whom I hear these stories. See, my roommate doesn't have any outstandingly terrible quality about him. No, instead he just has hundreds (thousands?) of small quirks that make me want to bear crush him to death—Chong Li in Bloodsport style—on a daily basis. Here are the things that push me one step closer to being a brutal, Vietnamese, heavyweight murderer. In no particular order:

1) I overheard him talking on the phone with his girlfriend about his wanting to get a "cool flame tattoo…maybe with a peace sign in the middle."

2) He has never once gone anywhere/ hung out with anyone on the weekends. He seems like he would maybe have a few friends. But he doesn't.

3) He plays in the school marching band.

4) He chooses the read books when there are plenty of other non-book things to do.

5) He wears tube socks.

6) I walked into the room one Friday night, and he was there (where else would he be?) laughing hysterically while watching Jay Leno.

     Jay. Leno.

7) He moisturizes occasionally. I don't have a problem with that because I have dry skin and have to throw some lotion on too sometimes. The stuff I use is unscented. His smells like apples.

8) He wears birkenstocks. With socks. Tube socks.

9) He talks to his parents and has long conversations with them like they're normal people, rather than parents. I say maybe 6 words to my parents: hey, yeah, no, send, Cap'n Crunch, bye.

10) He makes his bed.

11) He has giant headphones that don't keep his music in. I normally wouldn't mind, except his music is terrible. Not terrible just according to my own tastes—terrible by universal standards. I'm talking Slipknot, swing music, The Scissor Sisters, techno, and Kelly Clarkson.

12) He got sick with a cold. So what, right? He was sick for 3 weeks…Be a man.

13) He wears bowling-style shirts all the time. Like Chandler from Friends.

14) He thinks FrankTV is hilarious and has a Robin Williams Live DVD.

15) He plays World of Warcraft a lot. Like more so than any boy should.

16) I found a bottle of massage oil on his desk.

17) He mutes the TV during commercials because he doesn't like people trying to sell him stuff.

18) He says the UFC is too barbaric.

19) He didn't watch the Superbowl. He played World of Warcraft instead.

20) He played solitaire on his iPod one day. All day.

Well, that's it. I'm sure there are many more reasons why I want to break his back over my knee, but I can't concentrate because he's here in the room listening to mariachi music or something. Surely, I have the worst roommate.